2 down, 60 to go.

Well. 5/14 is my 2 year dx anniversary. I was okay for a bit. I thought I could get through this “cancerversary” without too many tears. It has, however, really started to get to me, and I have shed quite a few tears the last 2 days. Some for the pain. Some for the loss. Some for the fear. Some for the friends that have lost their lives to cancer. Some for the friends that I have that will be dx’d in the future, or that are currently fighting for their lives. Every day since my dx has been filled with all of the above. I have days when I don’t cry, but not many. Last night and today has been a flood. I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened, good and bad, over the last 2 years. Time is really flying by.

A big part of my tears is the extreme pain I am in. It feels like I have steel cables tied and twisted around my chest that are digging into my flesh all day long. It makes it hard to breathe at times. It tightens my neck, shoulders, and back.  It makes my workouts very hard. (but i am not giving up!)  This was set off by my wearing a post-mastectomy prosthetic bra, with these great things called Knitted Knockers. The actual KK’s are very comfortable. The bra was a torture device. It cut into my armpit and chest so bad, I was in tears by the end of the night. I wore it because my cousin’s wedding came around, and I procrastinated (as I do) so did not have time to fully alter the dress I bought to wear. There was no way to wear it without a filler, so, for the first time, I wore some foobs. It felt weird to begin with, as I have gotten used to not wearing prosthesis, and only wearing a scarf if I feel insecure. Lesson learned. My LE has been on full flare, and my nerves are exploding. It’s been 2 weeks. I am hoping it will ease off soon. I really do not want to have to take anything for it. I’m fighting so many side effects from so many things already.

I am also in the process of weening off of the effexor, which I stated taking to counter act the side effects of tamoxifen. I am not clinically depressed. I am situationally depressed. But the effexor makes me feel terrible, and causes even more brain fog and add than the chemo did. I can’t take it any longer. I would rather fight the hot flashes and night sweats. But this has probably made my anxiety and sadness more extreme than it would normally be, as the medical community actually calls this “side-effexor” as a joke, and you have to ween off of it very, very slowly, lest you go completely bonkers.

AAAND That has been eased by the portable a/c that my amazing boyfriend purchased for me. Cold air blows right on me all night. <3 so much love.  I can’t believe how wonderful he can be to me sometimes.

This year I am lucky enough to get to spend the 14th, and the entire weekend with my BFF. I am treating her to a show, in Kansas City, MO. We are driving up in the middle of tornado season, all the way through tornado alley. Looks like I have decided to give fate the middle finger this year. I am hoping that the weather stays calm though, as I reaaaaaally don’t feel like trying to duck and cover in the middle of nowhere. This trip will hopefully not only give me the chance to do some much needed bonding with my very best friend in the world, but will take me out of my routine enough to distract me. Plus- any time with this fantastic woman is a guarantee for a million laughs.

I am very thankful that I have had these last 2 years. I hope I get decades more. The numbers are not in my favor, so that can be hard to face, but I am trying very hard to improve my overall health. Colby at Atlas Fit is working really hard to teach me the skills I need to work out properly, and eat better. (food is my Achilles heel.) I am slowly eliminating the crap. It is so incredibly difficult. I do get motivation from seeing this one woman that goes to the gym. She, to me, is the epitome of fitness and beauty. When she is there, I can’t help but stare a little, because I want to be her so badly. She is just so effing FIT. She is my goal (though I will never be fortunate enough to have legs as long as hers)  She’s still super feminine, very girly, but with muscles like you would not believe. She’s inspiring.  And every time she is there, I remind myself that I can get there, and what I need to do.

And Colby, well, he’s just great. He stays on me, helps me, teaches me, and is so nice while torturing me. I highly recommend joining this gym, and signing up for training with anyone there. The equipment is amazing, the gym is so clean and really, beautiful. Also, small. So there are not a ton of Dude-Bro’s in there grunting and flexing at you all day.

Anyhow, I am also really missing my parents, and John’s mom. While I am lucky enough to still have my parents alive, and relatively well, they are so very far away. I want them to move closer so bad. Talking on the phone just isn’t as good as a hug.  And John’s mom, well, all we have to chat with is the box of her ashes that sits in our living room for now. I’ve done fairly well keeping my anger in check, and my grief, but it isn’t easy. I miss her so much. I miss her facebook posts, and her silly cards. I miss her funny photos and the odd things she would send us. I miss chatting with her weekly. Her pooch Raycie has integrated very well into our home, but she definitely misses her mom and being an only child.

Lots of feelings happening right now. A lot of changes, and a lot of work. I don’t feel like I have any control over anything at the moment. It’s hard, but I am learning that I need to learn to let go. That control is not something any of us have. That lesson may take a while.

Well, I raise a glass to you, my loves, who continue to support me, and love me. Who have your own issues and concerns, and keep going every day. Here is to 60 more years for us all of love, laughter, and being too stubborn to die.

I love you. Never forget that.


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