it’s like a joy division song stuck on repeat. and they’re my fav. band

Today I had a great day with my BFF Erica and  second in command Brettany. We had lunch at a passable Italian place, did a ton of talking, went antiquing, stopped at the Dairy Queen that we accidentally found, and then did much more gabbing at Bret’s place after. All this was followed up by a few episodes of AbFab with Erica at my place. It was a wonderful change of pace for me and would have been counted as one of the best days with my best buds no matter what the circumstances.

So why did I end up in a pile on the floor of the shower having a severe breakdown tonight? I know I have not been feeling my best this week, but I haven’t felt so helpless and afraid as I have tonight at all during this whole ordeal. I think it is partly because I am tired- it was a very long and physically taxing day for me. I think another part is that I really feel like I have no control over any  aspect of my life or my body. Neither are my own at this moment. I can’t do what I want or need to do, I can’t eat want I want, I can’t go where I want, my body has turned against me, I have no control over what will happen, my life is not my own. My body is not my own, and is currently being poisoned, and will soon be mutilated in ways I can’t even begin to understand or appreciate. I will lose what society uses to identify me as female, on top of everything else I have lost already to this disease.  I have no idea when any of this will end. I feel completely hopeless at times and it is terrible. Occasionally a huge gaping black hole opens up under me and I can’t even see the sides to try to grasp at them.

I try so hard to stay positive, because I know that makes a huge difference in your treatment and recovery, but sometimes is is so hard it seems impossible. I don’t want to give up, but I just want my fucking so-called life back. I want to spend time working on my home with my boyfriend, I want to just spend normal time with him. He tries very hard to keep a sense of normalcy around here, but it is hard for me to keep it in my mind.

I know that this is normal for someone in my place. To feel this way occasionally. If I didn’t then something would be very wrong. It just surprises me at times. Catches me off my guard and throws me to the wolves which then rend my heart to bits.

I know I will feel better tomorrow after I get some rest and have a good breakfast. Luckily, Erica will be here most of the day tomorrow and spending time with her is the best medicine I could get.

Sorry to be such a downer, but this shit sucks balls and I hope you never, ever have to go through it.

Love you.

 

 

 

 


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