Chickens aren’t hatched.

I really should not count them before they hatch, correct?

Good news is my MRI came back and they did not see any cancer there. YAY! This really had me on a high for 22 hours!

And then I went to see the breast surgeon.

I was running behind, got a little lost, then there was no one at the first info desk I stopped at. Then the nice volunteer at the next one (really cute senior gentleman) didn’t have any idea where her office was or how to look it up.  He did inform me that the actual info employee would be back in just a moment. The fellow that was chatting with him happened to be the golf cart driver for the hospital, so he drove me all the way over to the other side of the hospital to the main info desk. (I was worried that he was driving me away from where I needed to be, but that was not the case.) I was still pretty far from where I needed to be, and ended up being 10 minutes late instead of the 20 minutes early I intended.

Then her student intern was obviously uncomfortable.  I am not sure if it was the fact that I was a woman and he was in a room alone with me, or my henna, or tattoos, or the topic of conversation, but I don’t think that working in a surgical oncologists office that specializes in breasts is the right place for him. He is from India, and I am not sure if that has anything to do with it, like if it is a caste issue, or religious, or general cultural  differences, but he was really having a hard time. It got worse when the exam happened. He tried so hard to leave the room, and not look at me at all.  Or maybe he just thought I was hideous. Either way, I feel bad for him.

Anyhow- during the exam, we were talking about my tumors, and she says “Hmmmm yes- I remember now, you have a very interesting case.” It seems like people in my family hear that a lot and it never ends well. So then we sit down and she starts talking about the surgery, and that she is concerned that even though the MRI shows complete clinical response to the chemo, there is still a chance that the lymph nodes may have cancer in them, and that she is concerned that I may have to have radiation, and in that case having reconstruction right away and then having rads would damage the recon work. The only way to know for sure if all of it is “gone” is by completing the biopsy after all the tissue and the few nodes are removed.

My inner dialog at this point was a lot like “Shit. What the hell am I going to do? This sucks. shit. I hate this all so much. Why is she saying these things to me? My ONC said that rads were not something I would need to worry about. Why is the surgeon talking about this? Shit!x10000”

I have a follow up appt next Tuesday after she takes my case to the tumor board at her hospital. She said they will give their opinion on whether rads are a possibility for me, but that there is of course no guarantee that if they say I should not need them that I won’t. (obviously)  Now I am really confused and scared.

Radiation scares the bejeezuz outta me. If I have to have it, I have to have it, but would really rather not. And that would mean more surgeries as well.

But – someone on the forums at breastcancer.org just told me that her surgeon removed the nodes about a week before her surgery to test them to see if rads were needed. I might see if my surgeon can do something like that.

 

On to better news:

My body seems to be starting to produce its’ own steroids finally. At least my joints are not hurting as bad as they were and the swelling in my face and neck is slowly going away.

My face is still pink and I am fatigued as all get-out. I miss the energy. I have also gained 5 pounds since stopping them even though I am eating 75% less than I was and getting to eat fresh salads and fruit again, which seems backwards. Don’t most people gain weight while on them?? Maybe it is the loss of muscle that is doing it. I am really perplexed.

Also my hair is growing back. Mostly it is the hair I don’t want back, but at least that means that my body is healing. 🙂

I’ve gotten most of my Halloween decorations up! I love this time of year! And the weather is slowly getting cooler. Hooray!  Fall is my favorite season, even though it is only like, 2 weeks long here. Hopefully I will get to enjoy some of it before and after my surgery. I suppose it will all depend on what I have done.

This has taught me a valuable lesson- do not get excited or have any expectations about anything when it comes to cancer. Just try to be in the present and mindful of yourself, those around you, and of the joy that exists within your sphere of existence. And take a pill if you have to to do that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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