13 days
I am trying really hard to not panic. It isn’t working. All that positivity I had is disappearing pretty quick. I think it is because I felt like my surgery was to be the beginning of the end of this, and now it seems like this will stretch out for who knows how long. More uncertainty. And the thought of having this in-between boob thing just freaks me the eff out. I donno. I think that it would be easier mentally if it were a regular mastectomy, and not as skin-sparing one. I know it has to be skin-sparing so that I can have the reconstruction I want, but it is still weird. I advise that you do NOT do an image search on the internet to see what I mean. I kept saying that breasts did not make me a woman, and I know they don’t, but I just started to realize how attached to them I am. I am not sure I will ever get past grieving for them, and they are not even gone yet. If it were an arm or leg, I think it would be easier for me, but maybe not.
I have a better understanding of how my mother feels now. I thought she was crazy to not have her leg amputated 20 years ago (and I still think it would have been better in the long run) but I completely understand her desire to save it by any means she could. And I am so proud of her for that. By agreeing to an experimental internal prosthesis, she helped shape modern limb trauma care, especially for our military service members. But she would have been able to recover much better from the amputation had she had it done at that time instead of 3 years ago. I know I am doing the right thing for my health to have a prophylactic mastectomy on Lefty, but it doesn’t change things emotionally.
This weekend was nice though. My wonderful parents came to visit and brought me an “old” recliner to sleep in after my surgery. Our bed is on the floor since we haven’t built the hanging frame yet, and getting in and out of that would be impossible. They also brought a new stove for us!
Our old stove was original to the house, and didn’t work quite right. It was groovy, but in dire need of replacement. The top oven only kept things warm, the oven required me to rotate everything halfway through, the front large burner did not work, and there was not much space between the stove and top oven, so making large pots of anything was difficult.
It was just nice to spend some time with them though. I miss them all the time and really wish they lived closer. They drove up in one of the worst storms we have seem in years, and will be driving around and home tomorrow in what is supposed to be just as bad. I hope they make it home safely. I wish they would just move here.
My hair is really starting to come in, and so are my eyelashes! LOOK HOW TINY THEY ARE!
Pretty excited about them! I don’t think anything made me feel less feminine than not having eyelashes. At least I will have those! HA!
I am so glad we are getting cooler weather now. It will make having to spend a ton of time laying around easier at least. I do wish I had more vacation time saved up though. I would be taking the next 2 weeks for myself if I did. I have a lot to get done around here, and really just want to spend time with my loved ones, but I did use most of it up and enjoyed most of my time when I did. I am not sure I have enough to cover all my time off right now, but all that matters is that I take the time I need to recover. When I get back to work it will be just in time for crazy holiday work, and I will need to be fully rested and pain free. Working 12hrs a day 6 days a week is hard, even if you are just sitting at a desk.
Ok- I need to get some rest, so I wish you all a wonderful week.
Love to you all!
jeni
Posted in Uncategorized by Woodenleg with 2 comments.
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