“My bed feels larger than when I was small”

Sorry I have been out of touch lately. To be honest, things have been crazy and busy, and I have not had the energy to post, or even read a lot of things.

It all started with the loss of a very sweet woman from the BCO forums. She was wonderful. It hit me harder than I ever expected. Then I started working a ton of overtime trying to save up for my vacation, which was really wiping my energy out. I had been doing my workouts and eating better, only to have my LE flare up big time, and I only lost 4 freaking pounds after 2 months of major changes. I mean- i cut my sugar/carb intake by about 95%.  For anyone else, that would have dropped 20lbs. But not me! I am the girl who gains weight when I get a stomach bug. I had a friend in another state get in a terrible accident, so was worried sick about him and set up a donation page to help with his bills since he can’t work. Please donate! https://www.youcaring.com/HBHez   And last, I helped decorate for a good friend’s amazing bachelorette  party this past Saturday. All that on top of us hitting our hottest part of the year, the house being a disaster in every way and I just want to scream and cry all day because of it. Which brings us to my current state: dumpsville.

I’ve been struggling so hard with my body image. I’m not winning. I feel like nothing I do makes a difference, and seeing all my gorgeous friends, with beautiful and whole bodies, just murdered me. I was having a great time, except, I was so aware of my body, and all of theirs. Maybe it would not be so bad if my face didn’t also look so strange now. And I don’t like to bring up my health, but I feel the need to explain why I look so weird and have divots in my chest where there should be breasts. Like I have to excuse the horror of my appearance. Fat, with crazy hair, bad skin, a weird face, and holes in my chest.  Will I ever had a body I can be happy with again? How long will it take me to get there? a year, 2? 10? Will I even live long enough to see my real body again? I certainly am not going to be wearing the dress I bought for Steven and Jason’s wedding. I feel foolish that I thought I would loose 60 pounds by now.  I am going to keep trying, but, I already feel defeated. The Tamoxifen is making it even harder for me, and my PCOS is what caused this weight gain to begin with. I’m so frustrated and sad. I feel like a gorgon. It doesn’t help that I am in pain pretty much all the time. I know that affects my mood.  Is there any point in my even trying? Sigh. Maybe once the weather starts to cool down a bit my mood will improve.

If I had a pool, I know that I would be in a better mood! But apparently, that isn’t something that will happen in this house. I can’t even get an above ground to use because someone doesn’t like them. Major projects around the house? I get over ruled time and time again.  Another place that I feel useless. It would do me so much good to get in the water every day- great exercise and the water pressure helps with my LE.. But hey- planting trees right where i wanted it is more important!, Right?

There is more of my foul mood.

If i snap at you or am morose when I see you, just know it may pass soon and has nothing to do with you, it really is just me.

 

xoxoxo

 


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