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For anyone that actually reads this, sorry I’ve not posted in a while. Things have been hectic as we try to wrap up projects and get our house in order for my phase 1 DIEP reconstruction.

To say that I am in a panic might be an understatement. Being a procrastinator, I’ve of course let things drag on. I know I’ve got to get it done, but am easily overwhelmed by the 7 billion things that are on my list. I’ve prioritized, re-prioritized, re-re-prioritized, and re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-prioritized more times than I can actually “re”call.  I’ve ended up in a sobbing pile on the bed just as many times, paralyzed by not only the number of “must-do’s”, but also the fact that this surgery is going to be very painful, might not work, might turn into some infected wound nightmare, might cause more problems with my LE,  or simply might not look good.

Add onto that the severe frustration and disappointment in myself for not losing a single inch or pound. I did a decent job working out at least 2-3 times a week, until I hurt myself, and then it went all to shit. My diet, I never got that under control, and though I am better at eating better food every day, I still love my sweets and beer. Add to that the fact that sometime between chemotherapy and tamoxifen, my thyroid is going kaput. yay. So, basically, anything I do won’t amount to shit anyway? Still have a few more appointments to figure that one out.

My natural reaction to empathize and help others is distracting me from my own projects/needs, and is draining me to the point of exhaustion. But I can’t ignore the needs of the people I care for! It isn’t possible for me. I don’t know how, I don’t want to know how. But we all seem to be having major shit happening at the same time. Like, there are 3 new babies, 5 surgeries, a few big house moves, a couple of car wrecks, some serious emotional upheavals, deaths in the family…. Is it just that we are middle aged and all of this is happening because it is just that time in our life?  Anyhow, that is why I am not asking for any help in preparation for this mess. You guys have your own shit to take care of.

What I wish more than anything right now is to be able to take a leave of absence before my surgery so that I can get my house in order as well as my head and my heart. My employer is wonderful, and I will get the time I need for recovery, but, businesses should also understand the “before” that is insanely hectic. If you are having major surgery, you should get 4 weeks off prior just to get your shit in order.

I’ve been taking breaks, going to see people and art and movies. Not sure if that is really helping, or just adding to the stress since it takes time from those chores.

Now, I have 21 days to get everything completed. EVERYTHING. And every one of those days also has work or a social engagement. So I really only have an average of 6 hours each of those days to get things done. 126 hours. I’m not sure if it will work, but I will try.

At this point, I’m experiencing, I guess, what manic-depressive people experience, but in cycles that are about an hour or less apart.  I wish I were exaggerating this. I wish I did not feel so ridiculous about it. Breathing exercises, stretching, thought diversion, none of it is helping.  At my wits end, so to speak. The cable of my lifeline is taut.

SO- if you are having anything happening in your life and I don’t respond right away, don’t think it is because I do not care. It may be that I saw it, and had a conversation with you in my head, and then remembered that as a real thing, or it may be that I saw, and was in the middle of a freakout and just forgot, or it may be that I saw, and just can’t respond at that time. Know that  I am thinking of you, and sending you love and all the good juju I can.  Know that once this is done with and I am a functioning person again, I will do everything possible to help you and be there for you.

I guess I’m just asking for understanding and forgiveness for not being as supportive to you as you might need me to be right now.

 

xoxo- j


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