The Adventures of the other Pancho and LeftyCancer is a jerk. This is my story about living with it.

Jul 8th don’t forget to breathe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6igE7TRfDI

Above is one of my favorite songs, and probably my all time favorite show. It was so beautiful, so well casted, wonderfully written, and unbelievably short-lived. It was rudely cancelled years ago now, and I am still upset. And not just a little bit.

I bring this up just to illustrate how I hang on to my anger and sadness (and hopefully introduce you to 2 beautiful things.)

Trying to live in the present is not easy. I am always in the past, or the future. Mad/upset about things that happened decades ago, or telling myself things like “once I lose 70 pounds, then I will _____.”  I, like most people, tend forget that there is a “now” that we have and should be living and paying attention to. Conscious living is hard to get the hang of, especially in our society.

Americans, as a whole, are backward ass people. We are usually more concerned with accumulating money and stuff than cultivating rich life. We don’t teach our kids to live in today, because we were never taught that. The “American Dream” is presented as monetary success, and has been for the last century via advertising and media. The true American Dream got lost, and continues to be trampled on by greed.  It is pretty sad.

Anyhow, today I learned a few questions to ask myself when I find myself upset by something in the past, and hopefully it will help me to get to the root of the issue and resolve it so I am not dwelling on things. Next is learning to stop delaying my happiness until something else happens. It is usually body-image related.  This is especially true now with my mangled chest. (Our society can forgive plenty of fat if you have nice breasts. Not having them and still being fat? Unforgivable. Like it or not, people treat me differently now. I know some of it is my vibe, but, things are definitely different. And it isn’t just men.)

So, I am working on not only living in the present, but also loving my present self, and learning to not allow other people ruin my day.  This is something I have struggled with for years, but now it is a survival requirement.

To the ” love yourself” section:

I have begun to try to make healthy lifestyle changes. I am working with a friend who is a personal trainer to change my eating habits and he is also teaching me how to work out. I think it will probably take me about a year to really get it, but, I know I can do it. The food is the hardest part. Anyone who knows me knows I have always had a HUGE sweet tooth. I could totally skip any meal and go straight for desert, especially if it involves flaky pastries. I like my sugar with coffee and cream, and a side of bavarian cream filled, chocolate covered donuts.  Having green smoothies for breakfast is not my first choice, but it needs to be and I am trying very hard to stay on track. Once I get used to changing my breakfast, then hopefully the rest of the day wont be so hard for me. Progress though: my Fritoes went stale before I could eat them. I love me some corn chips- so that is kind of a big deal. 🙂 I also stopped buying sweets and other junk food at the store. While my cravings have not gone away, at least there isn’t too much here in the house to snack on that I am not supposed to be having.  This isn’t just about how I look though. Losing weight and eating better should help with my lymphedema and should help reduce my chances of recurrence or mets. This will also allow me to get my reconstruction done. I did not think i would be so affected by not having breasts, but I am. Between that and being forced into a chemical menopause, I don’t feel like a woman at all anymore. This is not my body at all. I am used to feeling uber-femm, and I don’t like the current state of things.

Continuing with therapy, and trying to identify issues and learn tools to deal with all of my emotional baggage. I have a lot of it that needs purging, sorting, and care.

I got my lymphedema pump and have been using it 3-4 times a week. It helps, it is just really uncomfortable and hot. Hopefully losing all this excess weight will get my LE under control so I don’t need to use it anymore. I’m not looking forward to lugging it around England and am hoping I do not have to if I can lose weight and get it to the point where all I will need is to wear some compression garments.

With so much happening all the time, I tend to forget to breathe. I will actually catch myself at work or whatever, not breathing. Only when it starts to get uncomfortable do I notice. I am not sure if it is only stress related or if there is something else happening with my autonomic system. I’ve never done it quite this much, or to the point of discomfort. So focusing on my breathing all day long is a goal I am working for. This will hopefully also keep me in the current moment.

On top of all of this is the fact that I am trying to find my place in this world. I am adrift, unsatisfied with my direction, and unsure of where to go. This is true in all aspects of my life right now. Not being strong enough to massage for hospice is really wrecking my peace. It was the one thing that really made me feel like I had a purpose in life. maybe there is something else I can do for them until I am strong enough again. I will email them this week to see if there is. It would help me immensely to get back into some kind of service.

Anywho, tha is my rant and plans for right now. i am going to try to get back to blogging more often. It helps me a lot, and hopefully helps someone else.

remember- i love you!! be safe out there!

xoxoxo

Jun 14th I miss

I miss feeling female.

I miss feeling strong.

I miss feeling whole.

I miss feeling healthy.

I miss my life.

I miss my peace of mind.

I miss not hurting.

I miss having energy.

I miss feeling like myself.

May 14th Hello, yeah, it’s been a while

Well, it seems like forever. It has been a very busy couple of weeks for me.

Finally got the dogs to Animal Trustees to get their shots/heartworm meds, but only Norbert could actually get his shots there as Blue is too old. They got their hw meds, and I finally got Blue’s nails clipped. They thought I was exaggerating when I said he was a fighter. Then when they had to call the 3rd tech in to get his blood work and nails done, they finally agreed with me. He is the most mellow dog ever, until you mess with his legs and feet, then he is a big ol fussypants! I adore him though. Best dog in the ‘verse.

Then I went to a morning baby shower for Brettany’s brother’s soon to be son. We had a great time, they got some super fun things. The nursery has a nautical theme, and there is an abundance of adorable sailor accouterments  in the world right now. I love it when people I know have babies. I get to indulge in purchasing a ton of baby things, and can play with them, then hand them back to their parents. I always wanted to be a grandparent, but wanted to skip the having kids part. This so works for me!

Later that evening, I drove to Converse to support my friends in their time of need. My BFF Erica put on a great fundraiser and worked her butt off, and raised a great amount for them. I got to see and reconnect with some great people that I had not seen in 20+ years. It was great!  But Wendy and ERnie still need help. She is still in rehab, and has a long way to go.  Please, Please. Please donate here:  https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/my54/wendy-s-financial-fund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=dashboard_overview_T1&og_action=hug&t=3&fb_ref=2006603

Any amount will help them. Thank you!

The next big event was the Relay For Life. Brettany drove us down, Erica and Marvin came out, and my sister and her family and friends put together a great team, as usual! The night started with the most amazing sunset:

 this is my survivor medal. How cool is that?

We had a blast! I did a LOT of crying though. Our team raised $1820, and overall the Relay raised over 70k! That is just amazing. My sister Debbie, her husband Steve, and their kids really but a lot of work into the team every year. They’ve done it for the last 9 years and are just wonderful. Thank you to everyone that organized, donated, participated, and cheered us all on. I hope I get to do these for decades!

Sunday I got up early and had Mother’s Day lunch with Brettany’s family, then we drove down to SA to meet up for dinner with my family, as my parents drove up since my pops had minor surgery scheduled for Monday. It was so great to see everyone, And especially great to see my parents. I miss them so much.

Today was my one year diagnosis anniversary. It has been a really hard week. I really just wanted to get drunk all day. But, I had to work, and have to get up at ass o’clock tomorrow for physical therapy. I can’t believe it has been a year since I received that phone call. Since I learned that my life was going to be turned upside down. It seems like yesterday, but also like a decade has passed. To say that it has been a hard year is a gross understatement. I am still a wreck physically and emotionally. There are days when I just want to crawl up into a ball and stay that way forever. Then there are days when I feel like just running away to some island and disappearing from society. I also have days when I can’t get enough of the people I love. When I want to sing out loud the love I have for the world. (Don’t worry, I would never torture you like that.) So many ups and downs I can’t even count them any more. I know one day it will get better though. It has to.

I want to thank all of you for your support this year. I hope that I am able to always repay your kindness and love with the same degree you have given it to me. John and I could not have gotten through all of this without you. Thank you.

Ok- Since I have to be up in a few hours for yet another round of PT for this fucking lymphedema, I should try to get some rest.

Love you all a shit ton. 😉

xoxoxoxo

Apr 27th Stay Puff.

Marshmallow Woman. Because being fat just isn’t enough.

Well, the workouts came to a screeching halt as my LE came back with a vengeance. My entire left side was puffed up.  I am very uncomfortable right now.

I am trying to not be angry. My PT told me “You can’t be that runner that gets mad and puts everything int the start of the race, then can’t finish because they are exhausted. ”  But she also said “If we can’t get this under control, you are going to have to get a pneumatic pump, with the whole shirt .”  Ya. How sexy is this?   http://www.prairiemed.com/truncal-and-arm-lymphedema

I am also trying to not let this depress me. I feel like I get to take one baby step forward, and get dragged back by my hair a good 30 feet. It is frustrating, and makes me feel like I am a failure. I know it is not something I can just – fix- but the fact that I can’t even with all the things I am doing right,  is what hurts.-That and the fact that I have about 20 feet of Kenezio tape on my arms and torso. So far, it is the one thing that we know provides relief for me. Of course, now I can’t do my manual lymph drainage or any of the stretches due to the tape. I have so much on me right now, I am actually a little uncomfortable. I feel like a robot. John thinks it looks cool.

I just want to be able to work out and lose weight. The funny part is- being overweight makes the LE worse. So the more I lose, the better it will be. But I can’t really work out without having a flare. I hope this is not always the case.

I have pretty much no will power when it comes to food. Like- zero. I love sweets and cheese and carbs. I find the thought of walking for 3 hours less daunting than not having a slice of pizza for dinner. I really enjoy food. I love salads and various veggies, I like things steamed and such, but I admit that I hate doing dishes which tends to push me out of the kitchen. I have to really work on changing this about myself or I will never find my body again. I wish I could afford to hire a chef to make all my food and do my grocery shopping so that I was just never tempted. Oh- and someone to do my dishes. 🙂

I’m also now very wary of having my reconstruction. If I am having this many issues now, what will it be like with even more trauma and another surgical site? The lymphatic system runs right through your abdomen. I am afraid that I would be royally screwed. I have to do a lot of research on that before I take any further steps forward. A LOT.

Everything else is going okay. My mood is a little better, most of the joint pain is gone, and I am not as fatigued. I still have the weird red spots, ADD, some of my nails are still weird, my hair is not growing fast enough for me, still having some hot flashes and night sweats (they are less and less though,) and still experiencing the weird acidic body. I just think those are things that are never going to go away as long as I am taking tamoxifen. As the days go on, those are a little easier to accept. I still get wiped out if I do too much in a day, and if I stand for more than an hour my feet start screaming, but being able to do the things that I can is awesome after not being able to do anything. I just have to remember to not push it, and make sure that if I am with others that I speak up when I start to get tired.

I’m just going to walk. and walk and walk and walk. That seems to be the only thing that I can do without causing issues, and hopefully if I walk enough, I will lose a few pounds. I need to break in a few pairs of shoes for my fall trip to England anyway!  EEEKKK I am so excited about it! There are few places I love as much as England. If transporters were real, I would be there pretty much all the time.

Right now I am working on reorganizing my closet. I can’t seem to figure out how to the the most out of the space I have. SHould I hang everything? Should I fold it all? I just need to be able to see it all, and keep it tidy. Any suggestions with this would be appreciated.

I also need to work on getting the yard cleaned up. Still so many weeds to pull! And the rest of the house is a disaster. Everything needs cleaning and organizing and fixing! There is so much to do and I feel like I will never get it done. I am sure everyone without staff feels this way. I just wish I could have the basics done: everything painted, floors done,  and shelving and furniture in so that I could organize it all and just put everything away once and for all. I realize probably more than more people that A- I only have a little bit of time to do these things and B- it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. It would just make my life more comfortable. I know it will be at least 5 years until we get the inside of the house even close to basic. ugh.  That includes the year I will be out of commission after I have my next surgery. And that will be if everything goes perfectly and we can actually do it.  I know I repeat myself a lot about this. It is such a huge part of my day to day life that I can’t help it.

Well, it is almost 4am, I should try to get some rest. I hope you are sleeping peacefully and having sweet dreams!

xoxox- j

Apr 16th let’s get physical!

http://youtu.be/vWz9VN40nCA

I am just starting to really work out after everything with the guidance of my LE  PT team. This is what they have me doing this week every day, and it is kicking my behind! It has been a long, long time since I have actually worked out.

walk 5 minutes flat at 2.5 mph

walk 5 min with 15% incline at 2.5

25x countertop pushups

2x 10 seated tricep pushups (not dips)

10x hold supine small ball between bent knees – squeeze ball and hold for 10 sec

10x 4way bridge lifts supine

50x prone alternating kicks

25x window washers prone (heels in/out)

10x heel lifts prone

3x child pose for 30 seconds then rock 30x

on a 55-65″ ball: bounce for 5 minutes (this is fun- like being on those toys we had in the 70’s)

2x5x leg walk out planks (on ball- start in sitting position hands on hips, walk out till ball is under shoulders with back straight)

Then some specific theraband moves for my LE, and manual lymph drainage.

I am so sore, but it feels good. I am not good at working out without specific instructions and have been afraid of making my very mild truncal and arm LE worse, so PT is really helpful. I am just on day 2, and have PT one every Tuesday right now, so 5 more days of this till they give me new instructions. While I am doing these, I get winded, but it isn’t painful. I am pretty sore a few hours later though.  My LE is a flaring a little today. I need to be very mindful of my sodium intake from now on.

I’ve got 70 lbs to lose before I have my recon, so I am determined to keep going. Losing the weight will help reduce my LE issues as well.

I have been reorganizing my closet, and washing a lot of clothing that has been in storage. It is funny, because I have so many sizes of everything. I am looking forward to wearing all of my old clothes. They are pretty cute!

Going  do the Relay for Life on the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I honestly cannot believe it has been a year. it seems like yesterday that I started this mess. I’ve been blown away by the support I have gotten from everyone. This is my page if you want to donate  

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TRpx=36681009&pg=personal&fr_id=61128&fl=en_US&et=ulbYsCNu1du57vdIqDpOIA&s_tafId=1345479

*****************************More importantly though, is this page:

http://www.rockingremedy.com/

Wendy and Ernie really need help right now. Please donate if you can, either in monetary, product, or services. Anything you can give will be appreciated. And go to the benefit!!!! It will be a hooooot!****************************

Ok- that is all I have right now.

love you!

Apr 11th I love fruit.

OK, so it is tax time, and I was thinking I would be able to use all my medical costs this year on my taxes. I was nervous at the numbers would be calculated, and how long it would take me.

Now, I don’t love what I do every day, but the company I work for takes very good care of their employees when it comes to benefits, even if I get frustrated and angry on a daily basis (that is on my lack of deflection skills.)

I realized exactly how well once I added up all of my receipts. I wept. I am still crying every hour or so.

I.am.one.lucky.mofo.

I don’t want to brag, I just want to express my thanks. I am truly thankful to have been given the chance to work here, to get on full time, and to still be here. It saved my life. Really. There is no way I could have paid for my treatment, doctors appointments, scans, tests, surgery, prescriptions, and everything else that came with Breast Cancer. I would be bankrupt, and likely not in very good health at the moment.

So, let me bitch and moan about the day to day, but if you hear me say anything about leaving, look at me and point me to this post. Ten, twenty years from now- if my career has stalled- whatever- point me here.

I know too many people that don’t have this amazing situation, and they should.

I hope that the world wakes up and decides that the lives of those already here, needing medical care, deserve it as a human right. Healing is  the one true power.

Apr 10th i get by with a little help from my friends.

Friends- they make life worth living.

I got to see some of my favorite people the last few weeks. One of my dearest friends, Dave, came to visit from California this weekend. We had a great weekend! Friday, a baseball game with Kim and Ben, some shopping,  and lots of driving. Erica and Marvin came up Saturday and we went to see Captain America Winter Soldier (loved it,) then we all had a pizza and beer night with Brettany, Jessica, and Justin, followed by ice cream. Sunday we headed down to San Marcos to Victor’s, then to the old Pearl Brewery site for shipping and more food with Erica and Marvin, then I let Dave with Victor, and went to Takoba with Joel,  Amy, Chris, and their friends (I just had wee samples of some things, and cake.) Monday we met Amy and Chris at South Congress Cafe. I have been wanting to go there for a couple of years, but for some reason or another just never made it. It was yuuuuuuuuumy, if a little over priced with bad service.  I will def. still go back if someone wants to go though. Carrot cake French toast. Yep.  I am exhausted! and full!

Then I had to take Dave to the airport and rush home to get to work as my manager was out on Monday and I am trying to cover as often as possible so I can hopefully one day get promoted.  His trip out was way too short, and I sure miss that guy a lot. He’s one of the best people I have ever met. His whole family is the best! Super sweet, laid back, kind. You can’t ask to have better people in your life, even if you only see them every few years. He will hopefully make it back in the winter, if not, I am planning on making it out to see him next year, after my next surgery (or before it if I don’t meet my goal on time.)

As the weeks fly by, I am having less side effects from the tamoxifen. I am finally sleeping through most of the night, my hot flashes and night sweats are lessening, the pain in my bones and joints is getting more bearable, I don’t smell as weird (or maybe I am just used to it.) I get a little concerned that maybe that means it isn’t effective, but I have to take the effexor to not cry constantly, and it helps with all the other things too. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that it is not lessening the effectiveness of the tam and that I don’t get cancer again. Living with the fear is crippling at times. Especially when people on the bc forums announce recurrence, mets, or that they are going into hospice care.

My lymphedema is getting better with the help of PT. I have 4 more weeks to go, but now just once a week. Next Tuesday I will start doing more ‘working out’ so that I can get the guidance I need for really working out. I’ve got 6 months to drop more than a few inches and get into serious walking shape for the trip to England. The only thing that is really giving me a hard time is fatigue. This last weekend really highlighted my issue. I have to get some stamina back. I feel like I am 80. This is not okay. I know i will never feel like I am 15, but even 40, 45 would be good. I am just gonna keep on pressing on- and fight like mad because as my dear Sweet Brown always says “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

My other issue is social/emotional. I am trying to get out and do more, and do more around the house so I have something else to talk about. My world is still very cancer-oriented, and having a normal conversation is so much harder than you can imagine. That was highlighted for me at dinner Sunday. Just trying to find some small talk that was not related to a doctors office, or treatment, or surgery, was hard. I know that it will get easier, and I should not be embarrassed by my life, but I don’t want to depress anyone. Finding common ground is just hard. Also- there is still a lot of body awkwardness. Being around young, thin, healthy people makes me want to cry. I remember myself that way, then I see myself in the mirror, and I have aged 20 years in 11 months, am very heavy, and feel so unhealthy. It is devastating at times. I know that eventually I will lose weight, feel healthier, have more confidence . (unfortunately I will never get any younger!)  But right now, I just have to work on doing more, having more experiences, so I can talk about anything but cancer when I see people. At the same time, I feel like I have to say something so they know I didn’t always look like this. It is such a strange place to be in.

I wish I could just win the lotto so I could take a break. I have a wonderful friend that lives in St Croix, and I just want to go down there and sit on the beach for a few months. Help him with plants, and swim. Not worry about anything else.  I just want a time out. A long one. Then come back and farm. Raising veggies. Digging in the dirt.  *sigh* a girl can dream, can’t she?

Oh- and this blog theme updated, and changed a bunch of things! Big jerks!  I may have to change more stuff, so just know that it wasn’t my choice.  So few times are updates improvements at all….

OK- it is 3am, I miss my friends, and hope that you are all sleeping peacefully, having sweet dreams.

love you

Mar 26th The Swell Season

One of my favorite musical duos, but not my favorite way to feel.

Unfortunately, I do indeed have lymphedema in my arm and body. I have a lot more internal scar tissue than I thought. The scarring from the drain tubes is really blocking my lymph system. The PTA has worked me over and given me manual lymph drainage steps to do 2-3 times a day. Last Monday she did some myofascial release, and then applied kenesio tape on my arm, chest and back. I was seriously sore when I went in last Thursday, and she did much more release work, mostly on my surgical area. Yesterday was more of that, more tape, and we added super low resistance exercises.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I thought I was stretching and massaging the area enough, but apparently not. I will have to do all of the stretching, manual drainage, and specific exercises for the rest of my life. It stinks, but I hope I have to do it for a long time.

My neck, shoulders, and upper back are wrecked, and I have not had a deep tissue massage in a year. Kim generously did some wonderful energetic massage for me before my surgery, but I need some elbows in my traps, and I am not sure I can have them. I still have 2.5 more weeks of PT (at least) so will be discussing that with them.

I checked in with my oncologist also, and she thinks I am doing really well. The neuropathy is steadily going away, my bone and joint pain is lessening, and most of the swelling is gone. While I still have several side effects from the chemo, surgery, and tamoxifen, they are something I can manage right now without crying myself to sleep every night. It is down to once a week!

John’s office is almost done, he’s painted all the walls and ceiling a beautiful green, and hopefully will have the trim done the first half of this week. He also built a desk for himself out of birch. It has a really pretty grain to it, and it isn’t as large as the desk he currently has so it has freed up a little space in there. He’s so creative and handy! I love that he has the ability to just – make things. He also got a new-to-him car.  A little old honda civic wagon. It will be super cute once we get it all fixed up. So many projects….

So- time for my favor of the month. A friend from highschool is married to sweet woman that was seriously injured in a very bad car accident. They really need help right now to pay the day-to-day expenses, and will need a ton of help with paying for her medical bills for a long time. My badass BFF Erica is setting up and coordinating a benefit for them, and a donation page has already been set up. The event will have music and some great articles for the silent auction. Please take a moment and if you are on facebook, check it out:  https://www.facebook.com/events/221110021412628/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

If you just want to donate cash: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/my54/wendy-s-financial-fund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=BA_FBshare&fb_ref=2006603

If you want to donate an item for the auction, let Erica know via the FB link, or leave a message here and I will get in touch.

Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated. They are good people and really need a hand right now.

OK- I am out for the night. I hope you are all doing well and are feeling good.

xoxoxo

Mar 12th Rolla Coasta! of Looove!

And also of every emotion imaginable. That is what this past week has been.

I am still concentrating on asking myself “what is the cancer does not come back?’ It takes a ton of effort to do this simple thing, but it is helping. It is especially hard when trying to support others int he BC community that have sudden and dangerous tumors show up in their brains, or bones, where they were seemingly doing really well a day before. I can’t stop supporting them, I just have to control the fear. Gotta keep that Bene Gesserit mantra in my head! (Good science fiction can be applied to so many situations!)
~I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.~

I went to my Physical Therapy evaluation. They think I may have a little tuncal lymphedema starting, we next week I start working on that, getting some really painful myofacial release done on my chest, learning manual lymphatic drainage, and learning how I will be allowed to work out. I am really looking forward to it! (not the pain, just the step forward.)

My tamoxefin SEs are still the same. I am increasing the days that i take effexor to help control it to see if that makes a difference. I also started taking it at night instead of in the morning. So far, nothin doin. But it has only been this week, so I will keep on the same schedule to see what happens. I am tired of my hands and feet hurting. And so tired of the fire/ice in my body.

Then I went shopping for something to wear to a wedding reception. Terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I will not be doing any kind of shopping for clothing except for jeans and t’s until the trip to England. There isn’t any point in it. Emotionally, it is just too hard, and there is no reason to put myself through that kind of torture for nothing.  I will have to get a couple of things in November if I don’t have what I need due to weight loss, but I think I should have it all. And this time, I am not going to try to wear anything but my trusty flip flops while walking everywhere. I don’t care how cold it is, the blisters last time were murder. I seriously had 5 blisters in the same spot, one after the other. It was gross. And If I can get down to a size 10 by then, I have a really cute dress and shows already to wear. If not, then I will venture out into the terror that is retail. Man, shopping used to be one of my favorite things. How times have changed!

The reception was great! Except my body does not process alcohol the same way it used to. It moves very slow. Which actually scared me a bit. Let’s see, started at 330, ate dinner, popcorn and dessert,  I had 4 mimosas, and 4 (weak) spiced rum and cokes. I stopped drinking at 830? Drank about 64 oz of water, ate again, and was still hammered at 5am. Ya, won’t be doing that ever again. I think all of the chemo and drugs I have had to take this year, and in the foreseeable future have put the kibosh on my enjoyment of adult beverages. SUPER LAME! It isn’t like I drink a lot, but when I do, I want to enjoy it. Oh well. Lesson learned.

So I got hammered, and over-shared, and cried, and laughed, and danced, and took terrible photos, and made an ass of myself as usual. It was great! I got to see people I never get to see, and love super much, and made some plans to see them again. Hopefully that all works out. The bride and groom were gorgeous and sweet, the food was great, and it was the first time I had ever been to Donn’s Depot. Super place! I plan to go again!

This week and next we are trying to get focused and get John’s office painted. Focus Focus Focus. So much to do in this house!!!

Monday and Tuesday I got into the yard finally and started doing some cleaning up. Weeding, mowed the front, more weeding, a bit of hedge clipping. It feels great to get out and work in the yard!! It did wear me out though! I was ready for a nap right when I needed to clock in for work.

Just gotta win that lotto…..

🙂

love you guys!

Mar 5th back to the future

Ok- so a big part of my issues lately is this feeling of being in limbo. While not technically in active treatment, I am still in treatment, and not sure if it will work to keep the cancer at bay. And it is only for one type of cancer that I had. I am a super planner. I usually have things in my calendar for the whole year already- chores, projects, trips, I plan things months in advance. This year, that has not been the case. I have been doing things a week at a time, unless someone else is involved.

Brettany and I have been talking about and tentatively planning a trip to England for a wedding – 2 very dear and wonderful friends are getting married in November. Now, I have been saving for it already, and trying to really get excited, but there is always this little voice in the back of my head saying “hey- you should not plan too far, you don’t have any idea what will happen, you may be back in chemo, or radiation, or dying in November.” That is there with EVERYTHING. So I haven’t really committed to anything solidly because fear has a steely grip on my heart. I am terrified of recurrence or mets. That is something that keeps me up at night, that hole that opens up under me at the most inopportune moments. I have been trying to get past it, and my therapy session this week was about this fear and how huge it is- how I can’t see around it or over it. She asked me to visualize it, and my visual was the Great Wall of China, but with a sheer face on the side of the mountain I am on. Or the Tower of Orthinac- impenetrable, unscalable, and dark.

She told me to change that “what if i get cancer again” to “what if i don’t ever have cancer again?” A thought that never even crossed my mind. Seriously. I was like- that is just too simple, but I will go with that in my head from now on. And- it is working.

So today I bought tickets for B and I to go see Noel Fielding in England during our trip. I can’t even tell you how seriously excited about this. I freaking LOVE HIM! and we got amazing seats!! and fancy dress (costumes) are encouraged!!! AAAAAHHHH!  Making that purchase for those tickets was a big step for me. Seeing myself there, enjoying life, having a great time with one of my best friends, seeing 2 beautiful people join in marriage, celebrating long term commitments. That is big. I have to keep my mind in that direction. When that wall starts to loom, I have to ask myself “what can I do if i don’t ever have cancer again?”

So, tickets purchased, planner out, making notes about things needing done around the house and socially, and making sure that I keep looking forward.

I know this won’t always be easy, but it is a start, and a thought I did not have before. I can’t let this fear control me or ruin my life.

love you guys.