The Adventures of the other Pancho and LeftyCancer is a jerk. This is my story about living with it.

Dec 18th First day back

Oh boy.

7 weeks is a looooong time to be gone in the type of job I am in. So much can change in a day, so I spent all day playing catch up. I still am unsure about a few things and have several trainings I need to complete before the super holiday rush. EEEK!

Luckily I am one of the few people that did not have to change teams (yet) and my manager is superduper supportive and told me to take it easy and slowly ramp up. That is a very good thing since the tamoxifen is already giving me pain in my joints and bones. I really did not expect it to happen so quickly. Maybe it is partially in my head, but it is defiantly in my limbs! I have seen a few people recommend taking turmeric pills to ease some of the side effects of it. I will have to discuss that with the dietician I will be seeing tomorrow along with about a zillion other things.

So the shrink I went to see “doesn’t actually do therapy”, he just hands out pills. I seem to have missed the memo on when the change of methodology happened. He did refer me to a clinical social worker who is a therapist though, and I had my first appointment with her this week. I think she is very nice, and I hope to get a lot out of it. I really don’t want to take more pills, or line the pocket of a psychiatrist that doesn’t actually help their patients, but gets a ton of cash for it. If I want pills, I will see my GP or ONC.

I also went to see my GYN to have the regular inspection.  I asked to have a uterine ultrasound done as a baseline due to the Ses of tamoxifen, and she ordered it for me. She also had some labs done to see where my endocrine system is after the chemo, and I am def in “chemopause.” Which totally sucks. Basically, between that, the “tamipause” from the tamoxifen, and the fact that I will be 48 by the time I am off of the tam, I basically  started menopause at 37.  Talk about making you feel like shit about yourself. I feel less like a woman every day. Good thing I am seeing a therapist now!

This past weekend was super though.  Brettany came up and we watched Nat’l Lampoons Christmas Vacation and White Christmas and had drinks on Friday. Then on Saturday had pizza and beer with her, Wendy, Erin and Jay, and Amy L. and her new fella. Then Sunday John and I went to SA to see my mom’s side of the family. I have not seen them in at least 2 years. Way too long for sure! We had a great lunch, and hung out a bit after. My cousin’s baby boy is so big now, and as cute as can be. I miss them all very much all the time.

I did get all of my holiday decor up that I could, and my cards out, and some gifts wrapped. At least something got done while I was on leave! That and my mega scanning project. I still have a long way to go there.  I plan on getting at least all of the family photos done by the end of January. That is a big goal! I am glad my mom was snap-happy though. So many good memories. There are a ton of photos missing from the books though. I hope they are not lost forever. After that I am planning on spending a weekend at my Aunt Louise’s with my sister having a big scanning “party” and hopefully getting together with my sis a few times over the next year to sort out our family history stuff. She has done a ton of groundwork, but it needs organizing and filling in (at least that is what I think she said.) Either way- there is a lot of info she has that I want to learn about my ancestry, and I am excited to help her out.

All that on top of getting started on the house again and making sure I am making time to see all my loved ones will keep me very busy this year! wooohooo for 2014 and fuckabuncha 2013! I can’t wait to see this year in the rear-view mirror and look forward to the next being a year of health, love, and giving back where I can.

That is all I have for now. Remember I love you. Stay warm and please make sure you have a designated driver for all your holiday parties!

Dec 7th i am trying so hard

I really am trying hard to stay positive. But man- this week has sucked. My 38th trip around the sun came and went, and I am laid up in bed with severe abdominal pain that is unexplained. Instead of enjoying my bday eating pizza and cakes and drinking yummy hot adult beverages, I am drinking nothing but clear liquids and have only eaten a slice of bread soaked in tea and some yogurt in the past 30 hours. I better feel better tomorrow or I will be pissed.

My oncologist did not seem to think it was related to chemo, even though I have never really had any stomach issues not related directly to food poisoning, which this is definitely not. It is in one area only – my lower left abdomen- right above my hip. At first I thought it was gas or constipation, but when they all passed without issue and the pain remained, i started doing some research. I know that isn’t always the best thing to do, but viewing symptoms and complaints from other cancer patients leads me to believe I may have developed a diverticulitis. I am hoping by just having a mainly clear liquid diet for a few days it will go away and I can get it looked into later. I have a Dead Milkmen show to freeze my ass off at tomorrow night! I also need to get my tree up all the way and put away the boxes. All I really wanted for my bday was to have my xmas decor up and done.   pooo.

I am also still sore from my surgery, so between the ab pain and chest pain, I am back in the dang recliner. It is just easier for me to get in and out of than the bed. Hopefully that project can start soon and we will have a frame before next winter.

I am going to have to find a nutritionist/dietitian to help me with all my new restrictions, and add this intestinal issue to the mix as well just in case. If anyone has one they can recommend in the RR/ATX area , please let me know!

Besides the negative, there is some positive. I am still here. John is still at my side. He got me the Matt Berry box set that I have been wanting. I’ve gotten some great cards and gifts from friends and family, as well as a ton of messages from friends far and wide. It made me feel very loved.

Really glad that I found a shrink close to me that I hope I like. I need therapy. I thought I could do this on my own, but I cannot. It is just too much to handle at once. The depression is setting in and it is no bueno . And unfair to John. My constant crying has to be trying. I just want some normalcy back in our lives. I am so tired of being sick and tired.

Wish me luck, would you?

Love you all. Please be safe out there with all this crazy weather, and stay warm.

Dec 5th We are family! and some environmental anger

Well, Thanksgiving weekend was grand!

I met my sister at her house and rode to our aunt’s house with her and her family. It was wonderful to be able to spend the holiday with my family, especially considering my circumstances.

My job doesn’t allow the people that do 90% of the work off for the holidays, unless it happens to fall on your regular day off, and sometimes not even then. I yearn for a position there, somewhere in a basement that doesn’t require any contact with other humans for any reason for 8 hours of my day. I have been in some form of customer service for 22 years.  Kids, if you learn anything at all from this blog, make it that you need to figure out what will bring you joy, go to school for that and do it. If you can make a living wage and have health insurance that is great, but be sure you are doing something that you actually find rewarding in the truest sense. Otherwise, be born into money. Good luck.

Anyhoo, alond with my sis and her brood, I got to see my Aunt Louise, Uncle Billy, my Granny (who just turned 91!), my parents (who just had their 44th ann!),  my cousin Tina and all her girls, and my aunt’s friend John- a super nice dude. It was great! I miss them all so much all the time. I hate that we are all so far apart and that I always have to work. Now that I have been out for so long with my surgery, it will take me some time to accumulate time off, and I have to watch that all very carefully since I will need to be out for another surgery in a year or so. I am just going to have to get better about planning 1-2 day trips.  If cancer has taught me anything, it is that the people you love are more important than anything else. A couple of years ago, I my pops and aunt were talking about buying land next to each other and closer to us kids so we could all help out. I sure wish that would have happened. Unfortunately the area that they were looking at is being utterly destroyed by fracking. Maybe they will find somewhere else that is close to us one day.

My sister informed me that in our ancestral town, there are fracking wells right next to the cemetery that my grandparents are supposed to be resting in peace at. It is disgraceful that this practice is happening anywhere, but it hurts my heart so much to know that the one place we all knew we could go for peace and quiet is ruined. The only thing you used to hear there was the wind in the grass and grasshoppers. I haven’t even seen it and it makes me weep. I am not sure I can even go there now.

For more info on this practice, please visit http://earthjustice.org/features/campaigns/texas-and-fracking

We need clean energy if we want to keep living. That is just the truth. Closed ecosystem. No planet B. We gotta stop shitting where we eat.

So- lessons learned from this trip: I need a better car so I can drive myself. I need a different position at work so I can actually see my family for the holidays. I love my family more than anything, even if we don’t see the world the same way. I looove my Granny. My aunt is still a badass. (She always has been.) Fracking stinks in all ways. Too much food hurts, but in a good way.  🙂

Stay warm and remember to take blankets, towels, and sheets to animal shelters now. Also make sure your neighbors, especially those that are elderly or disabled, have some kind of heat. If they do not, provide it to them or welcome them into your home.

I love you!

Nov 26th Thanks and Giving.

Let me start out by saying I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS! but I cry pretty much nonstop from October to January.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful family to celebrate them all with. Not that we don’t have our dysfunction, we absolutely do. It is just that as a child I did not see it that way. And I am a sentimentalist, so I look at the past through rainbow glasses. I had a marvelous childhood as far as I can recall. Holidays we extra special, with all the extended family getting together at my Nanny and Papa’s house (when we were all in the same country and state.)

Halloween was great- mom made us costumes that were always fun. She made most of our clothes as children, and costumes were no exception. She was so creative and really worked hard to make them the best they could be. We went trick or treating every year, usually with Dad. And then of course the “fee’ had to be paid to our escort. That usually meant we lost several of the good chocolates, but we didn’t care. It was all part of the fun.

When Thanksgiving rolled around, we would all get together and stuff ourselves silly. When we were here in the states, we would be at Nanny and Papa’s. After dinner all the men would sit and watch football (as usual.) We helped clear the table, then would either sit and listen to the ladies gab while washing dishes, play with the toys N&P had, or if the weather was nice enough we would go out to the backyard and play. nanny made the best mashed potatoes in the world. They usually were 90% of my meal. Then 9% canned cranberry, and a sliver of turkey. (I started my vegetarianism early.) Sometimes some green beans would make it on the plate too.  We’d stay till the evening, then have a piece of each pie, waddle out to the car, and head home. I don’t know how my dad always got us all the way home without falling asleep at the wheel! It was a 30-45 minute drive. My sister and I would usually pass out long before we got near home.

Then that weekend we would start decorating for Christmas. Dad would get up in the attic and drag it all down, then set the tree up and put the lights on. Then we would start carefully unwrapping each ornament from the paper it was in and placing them on the tree. Dad would be putting the lights on the house while we did all the inside. I still love having all the ornamentation up on my birthday (it is in December) even though some people thought it was okay to combine my bday and xmas gifts. ( Just an FYI- that is not okay. Don’t do that to any relative, friend, or lover. It is bad enough that we don’t get to have cool pool parties or the like for our bdays. Even if it is just a pack of gun- make them separate.) **edit-  i just noticed my Freudian slip here. I meant to say gum. But if you feel like buying me a gun, I am okay with that too :)***  Anyhow- my bdays were always great and I always felt like all the lights and sparkle were just for me. I loved it when we would drive anywhere during December in the evening as I would get to see all the beautiful lights on everyone’s homes. And on the base they would put up this HUGE light tree in the center of the traffic circle. It was magical.

Then Christmas would come! When we lived in Spain, it was hard to be away from all the family, but we had a wonderful community there. Everyone would get together and make yearly decorations and have parties with Santa and it was just grand. The family would mail our gifts over, and the package would always include a tape that had everyone on it. We didn’t have a phone, and this was the way would would get to hear everyone. Once we got back stateside, on xmas eve we would go to N&P’s for 6 o’clock mass, then back to their house for tamales, queso, cookies, and tons of other goodies. Then we’d have to take a million photos. You know the drill: one of all the kids, the kids with their parents, then with N&P, then with each aunt and uncle set, then all the couples, then N&P with their girls, and every configuration imaginable. Then and only then were we allowed to get to the  PRESENTS! We’d listen to holiday tunes on the old radio, and all gather in the living room to open them up. Each year one of the kids got to be “Santa” and pass out all the gifts, then we’d all take turns opening one gift at time, or sometimes each person would open all of their gifts at once. We all had our usual seats, with the occasional squabble over a special chair or ottoman. Then we’d clean up all the wrapping, eat some more junkfood, and head home.

At our house, we would set all our gifts up around the tree, then open a gifts with the immediate family. Then it was off to bed before Santa came! Xmas morning we always fun for us kids. We may not have been rich, but our parents always made sure we had a very generous Santa. Mom wold make a simple breakfast, or we’d have donuts. Then we’d head back to N&P’s for lunch. Another stuffyourface fest. It was the same schedule as Thanksgiving. Food, football (or some sport), then pie.

As we became teenagers, things changed a little, but not much. My attitude changed, and I was of course a butt about things. But over all, it was still lovely all the way around.

I didn’t really appreciate it all until my Papa died a few days before Christmas in 1994. I was wrapped up in my own dramas, and had my wisdom teeth removed a week or 2 before that. I didn’t notice how serious the situation was, and didn’t spend the time I should have with him. I will regret that for the rest of my life. Anyhow, I can tell you that I never smoked so many cigarettes in my life as I did the few days before  and after he died. Talk about a shitty Christmas. I honestly can’t even recall what we did that year. I just remember crying, and not being able to stop.

I didn’t learn my lessen from that though, and failed time and again to spend the time I should have with the people that I really loved, and that loved me. Instead I worked all the time and constantly let my terrible romances get in the way of the people that mattered. It breaks my heart again and again to think that I could have been there more for N&P, or my Aunt Rubie, and I wasn’t because I was a selfish ass.

When my Nanny was dying, I made sure to spend time with her, and was with her when she left. She had been lingering for weeks, and they finally put her in hospice care.  The night she died, I decided to stay with her. They had a little couch that was light enough to move, so I put it right next to her bed and held her hand all evening. I had the TV on, and was up quite late. When I finally started to get sleepy, I switched off the tv and still was holding her hand. She was snoring/wheezing and had been for over a week as she was pretty much in a coma. I looked at her and she just seemed so tired, even though she was sleeping. I finally dropped off and at some point let go of her hand. I think that is when she left. She waited until I was really asleep to go. I wasn’t asleep long though- the silence woke me right up. I sat with her a while before calling the nurse in and calling the family. I hugged her and stroked her hair before I took a lock of it to have to one day make some mourning jewelry with for me and my sister. (I am still looking for someone to make it- if you know anyone that produces quality mourning jewelry, please let me know.)  I am glad I got to be with her when she passed. I hope she knew I was there.

The good memories and the loss- that is why I cry for 3 the last 3 months of the year. And the fact that, while my job is great and has enabled me to get treatment for my stupid cancer, it robs me of every holiday that does not happen to coincide with my normal day off. It is a great company to work for, except for their insane view that the lines must be staffed for every holiday no matter what. Like people can’t wait a day or 2 to update their software. It’s ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on these retailers that think it is okay to be open on the holidays. I will never shop at any of their stores ever again. No one needs to buy shit on Thanksgiving day. They can wait to do their shopping on the following morning. Anyone that goes to those stores on TGD- I want you to know that you are a piece of shit. Stay home and spend the day with your family. If you don’t have a family, then stay home anyway and make yourself an awesome dinner, or better yet, go volunteer somewhere for the day.  There are plenty of soup lines and animal shelters that need a hand. Don’t participate in this insane greed.

But I digress.

Here is what I am thankful for:

My family and their love. The memories they gave me as a child. The fact that we always had food on the table and gifts for one another. The fact that I have a job and a wonderful boyfriend that, while he may not want to participate in all the holiday hoopla, doesn’t begrudge me time with my family and only complains a little about all the decorations I put up. My wonderful friends. My furry babies. The fact that my biopsies came back clear after my mastectomy. My home. Everything and everyone around me. My life.

I hope that you have some good memories from your childhood, or that you are willing to make them as an adult.

The holidays can be rough. If you have the ability, volunteer somewhere, and donate money to those less fortunate. Be thankful that you have a warm bed and food in your belly, and that even if you have health issues, you are alive to complain about them.

And remember that I love you.

Nov 21st My 4 legged kids are ridiculous.

And thank goodness for that! Their silly faces and goofy actions keep me sane.

I am feeling a bit better every day. Still in a fair amount of pain, and I pushed myself a little too far today. I drove to Temple and back for my consultation with the new recon surgeon, and then cleaned out and vacuumed my car. It was really a mess, but now my chest is on fire and I still have to do my stretching for the day.

I went to lymphedema class yesterday. Apparently I had more nodes taken out than I thought. 5 on the right and 2 on the left. I thought they just took 2 from each side. So I am t risk for lyphedema particularly on the right side. This is such a pain in the ass. I have to get compression sleeves to wear when I work out or do heavy work or fly. I have to be ultra careful about cuts and bug bites on my arms, and was advised that getting the tattoo sleeves I want may not be a great idea. I just have to be ultra-careful about infections basically. I am so not good at that. I tend to go into everything headfirst without looking. And having to wear compression sleeves and gloves, as well as long sleeved, thick shirts and gloves in the summer when I am gardening is going to be difficult! I guess I will be gardening at midnight. :/

Today I drove myself to Temple to see the chief of micro vascular surgery for the S&W  plastics office in Temple. He is taking the cases of the previous surgeon that was supposed to do my recon. I like him and his staff very much. He was straightforward and honest with me, and does at least one DEIP surgery a week and has for the last 9 years. He knows what he is doing. I was concerned that maybe he did not do them very often, but that is not the case. We had a good talk about what my goals are, and what his are, and that if I intend on losing weight, that I need to do it before the surgery to get optimal results. He said while we could go ahead and do it before that, but as the previous Dr.   explained, as I lose the weight it will come off my breasts like it would my belly, and then further surgery would be needed. While I was fine with that if the recon would have been done with my mastectomy, I don’t want to add even more surgeries to the list. He also assured me that there is no rush. If it only takes me a year to drop and maintain, cool, but if it takes 5 years, that is okay too. It is all about when I am ready.   I feel much better about that, and without the pressure, I am more motivated.

So with that, I am walking 45-60 minutes a day for now as well as some leg weights., Once my chest heals and I am allowed to start weights with my arms, I will work up to strength training there. It may be over 6 months before I can start on the rower again. And my eating habits start changing in the morning. No more sugar for breakfast.  And a lot less sugar over all. This is the hardest time of year to begin this kind of change, but with me it is balls-out or not at all. So here I go!

That is not to say that I won’t be having my fair share of pie on Thanksgiving! Cause dammit- I earned some frikkin pie this month!! I just won’t have it every single day, 3 times a day forever. I’ve needed to change this in my life for years, but now I have to get serious about it.

I am very thankful that I get to turn 38 in a few weeks, and I want to make it to 108. The best way to do that is to eat right, exercise, and keep my attitude positive. I am fairly good at that last one, which should help me with the other 2.

I also have to give up soy. This will be just as hard as giving up sugar. I’ve depended on soy products for years as a meat replacement, but it interferes with the tamoxifen that I have to take for the next ten years. There are studies that say soy is good for BC, and some that say it causes it, some that say it doesn’t affect it either way. I have no idea what to believe at this point, but as the instructions on the meds specifically say to avoid it, i will be almost eliminating it from my diet. There will specific times I will be consuming it: when eating at my favorite Thai place, and when SilkNog comes around about this time of year. I could use regular eggnog, but it is honestly not as good. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will make AlmondNog or RiceNog.  Do any of YOU out there know where to get those? If so, please let me know!!!!

I have not cried in 3 days. That is serious progress. I am finally accepting my current situation/look. It is still startling me occasionally, but it is not as bad as it was. And once the pounds start coming off and my body changes for the better in that sense, I will be much less self conscious about it.  I hope that the tamoxifen does not alter my mood too much. Or make me completely crazy. It can do that, ya know? I am going to wait till after my birthday to start taking it. I just don’t want it to ruin my bday with a bunch of crazy side effects.

My parents 44th wedding anniversary is this weekend. That is pretty amazing. I think about John and spending that amount of time with him and know that would not be enough for me.  We are already going on 6, and it seems like time has flown by. We will be meeting them for dinner tomorrow. I can’t wait to see them.

On that note, I will say goodnight to you all, as it is now almost 230am. Stay warm and safe out there!

xoxoxoxox

Nov 14th ok. there are larger problems in this world than mine.

There really are. But dammit, sometimes mine feel huge.

Today I called the recon surgery office to discuss a time table for my surgery, and found out that the surgeon I expected to work with is leaving the practice in December. Their chief of vascular surgery is taking over her cases involving DEIP/TRAM flap surgeries. So now I have to interview yet another surgeon. I hope that he is well experienced in this procedure and I don’t have to continue to shop around.  This is something that I have to live with till I die, so I have to make sure I have the right person doing this. I don’t know why I think that anything I plan is going to happen.

I guess that it is how things are with cancer. I mean, I know that it is how it is with life, but things seems much larger when you add disease into the mix. And others attitudes can really ruin your day.

I am also bummed that I am missing my 20th High School reunion. I wasn’t friends with many people in my class. My friends and I were considered big ol weirdos and a lot of people either avoided us or made fun of us, and so we kept to ourselves, but I still wanted to go see how people have gotten on in the world. I guess I just have to hope to get to the 25th or 30th if there is one.

I am excited that this weekend my xmas decorations will be (hopefully) brought down from the attic so I can start going through them. I looooove the holidays! John is not a fan. I am glad he tolerates my enthusiasm.

On to bigger issues. Again, those in Austin that have been affected by the floods need your help, so please volunteer if you can. If I were not in the shape I am in now, I would be down there helping them dig out. If you can’t get down there, please donate what ever you can.

Same goes for those affected by the typhoon. The devastation they are experiencing is unimaginable. Please send whatever you can via your organization of choice.

And remember- this is just the beginning of climate disasters of this magnitude. Do your part to help our planet. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Stop the throw-away attitude. Grow your own food when and where you can. Fight Monsonto. Fight big oil. Do not allow fracking on your property. Fight pipeline construction. Use renewable energy. You know what to do, and what not to do.

Right now I am watching the NOVA special on the Kennedy assassination. I still can’t believe that someone would murder him. He was a philandering jerk, but was an amazing president and his murder changed this planet in a negative manner.  I wasn’t alive when this happened, but like millions of others, I am fascinated by it and the era. I feel the same about the murder of M.L.K. An amazing man that was wrongfully taken from this planet in a violent way. It makes no sense.

bah. I am getting depressed.
Sorry.

Please know I love you, and please love one another.

Nov 12th bombs away!

Ok! so- good news is that my oncologist officially said ” You do not need radiation.” HOORAY!

The bad news is I have to take a hormone therapy drug for 10 years as one of the tumors had hormone receptors. WTF This shit just keeps getting better and better. And the side effects from this stuff are pretty amazing:

http://www.drugs.com/sfx/tamoxifen-side-effects.html

As if I don’t have enough shit to deal with. Why is big pharm so evil? Here! Take this  medicine that has a shit ton of side effects, some of which are other cancers.  Ya- that makes a lot of fucking sense.

Aaaand the pain meds are all gone and now I am just using ibuprofen.  It doesn’t really work. Needless to say, I am a grouchy cuss right now. The weight of the clothes that I am wearing actually hurt me. It’s crazy.  I’ve decided to try to use the lidocaine patches for my back to see if that can help ease the pain. Fingers crossed it starts to work a bit soon. I don’t like being grouchy or snapping at people when they don’t deserve it.

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day here in the US. My father served his country for 22 years in the Air Force, and another 20 years in Civil Service. All of that time was spent in maintenance and logistics on planes, mostly T-38s. I am very proud of him. I look up to him for many reasons, not the least of which is his work ethic. I unfortunately have most of his stubborn streak and have a tendency to bark orders at people like he does. He worked hard to provide for us and ensure our safety. For that, I will be eternally grateful.  I am also grateful to my mother, for she served this country just as long as he did. Never forget that the family of a service member also serves. They are part of the unit, and are subject to all of the same rules of conduct (um- i learned that one the hard way) and have to move and deal with deployments and TDYs and provide support to that service member every day.  If you live near a base, please see what kind of support you can offer to those families. They need it.

Tomorrow I will be calling the recon surgeon to start scheduling that set of surgeries and all of the appointments that go along with it. I will need to wait some time before I can do it as I am using all my sick and vacation time right now. That is one of the big reasons that I wanted to do it all at the same time- taking another 8 weeks off at a later date is going to be very hard.  Part of me is really annoyed that it did not happen since they wanted to be sure I did not need radiation, but my Onc. already said I did not need it, and I felt that I would not need it, so I am a little resentful of the situation right now.  I know I am probably repeating myself right now, but, I can’t help that.

This surgery has taught me a few things and has shown me that I need to do some very specific things for the next one that will be much more physically taxing and leave me more immobile and helpless than this one. Like- I will need a team of volunteers to come and do regular housework. I can’t do most of it, so it is not getting done regularly. And there are things set up in ways that I will def. be rearranging for next time for convenience sake. And I will be asking for stronger drugs for a longer time. I am not a huge fan of taking pills, but fuck if I am going to endure 5xs as much pain as I am in now without some serious painkillers.

So, on to more important things. There is a lot going on in the world right now. Close to home, the victims of the recent floods really need help. If you can help them, then please do.  http://www.kvue.com/news/Halloween-flood-recovery-efforts-230076351.htm

Farther away- the victims of Typhoon Haiyan are in dire straights. Here is a good guide to help   http://news.yahoo.com/how-to-help-donate-to-victims-of-super-typhoon-haiyan-195111618.html

We all have our own issues and troubles, but remember that someone always needs your help, and you should give it if you are able. Compassion should be your first reaction. That is what I strive to live by. It doesn’t always happen, but I try.

On that note- please be kind to those you meet on your daily grind tomorrow, and offer a smile where there isn’t one.

Love you

jeni

Nov 4th 2 down, 2 to go

So- i got 2 drains out today! The other 2 come out on Friday. My surgeon likes to leave 2 in to make sure that any excess fluid is all out. Kind of a pain in the ass, but better than a seroma. I also finally go the go ahead to remove the ace bandage I was wrapped in. I will be very glad when I can take a real shower. The removal of the drains was weeeeeeird!

Even better: all of my pathology came back CLEAR! So as far as I know that means no radiation for me!!!!! i am not yet able to dance around for joy, but I will when I can.

This week has had its ups and downs for sure. Overall I felt better than I expected.   Sneezing, laughing, and coughing are unfun. The drains are a pain. I am pretty tired as well. I am getting tired of being tired though. Not being able to do some really basic things is unbelievably frustrating.

Erica stayed with me a few days last week and really helped me out with everything.  Brettany was here this weekend and also helped a ton. Dina has been great and brought some super yummy food and beverages.

Well, today has left me tired, so I will try to blog more later.

xoxox- jeni

Oct 30th Well, Pancho and Lefty are gone forever.

Dude.

It doesn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would, but it still hurts like a bitch. Could be much, much worse though.

I may meander a bit in my post as I am on some light pain killers, and a lot of my body trying to deal with trauma.

The thing that REALLY hurt was the pre-surgery node mapping. HOLY BALLS! No local – just a strait injection into the nipple area of radioactive isotopes that burn like nothing I have ever experienced before. And it makes your pee insane green.

If you ever have to get this done, demand that it be done the day before so you can get sedation. I am not kidding. It was that bad.

I feel a little better emotionally for now. I know once I get a good look at what is under my bandage  I will probably freak. Trying to not look at it at all right now. I can tell you that it makes my fat way more obvious. You never realize what your boobs are hiding till they are gone 🙂  My belly is still swollen from the anesthesia, but, it is mostly fat. Just more motivation for me to get moving.

They took 2 nodes on each side, and there was a 5th farther up in my chest close to where my port was, but under all the muscle and some important nerves, so my dr. decided that unless the other nodes come back positive, she did not want to cause that much damage to me. Apparently getting to it would be serious work and would leave me quite a mess. She used surgical glue instead of stitches since I have an issue with tegaderm and my sister had a severe allergic reaction to dissolvable stitches.

The drains are weird. It is weird to have tubes coming out of your body that drain fluid. I feel a bit Borg-ish, but without the tough or sexy. They are cumbersome and in the dang way. Hopefully they will be coming out on Monday at my follow-up. NOt looking forward to having even more of them when I have my next surgery.

My port is out! I am so glad it is gone. It was so freaking annoying. Once I am allowed to sleep on my side again I will be so relieved to not feel like I am choking anymore.

So, again, the staff at Scott&White was amazing. Everyone there was so kind and had a general happy disposition the entire time. I think they were happy that I was not a super needy patient, but know that they were just generally pleasant folks. The Temple hospital was very nice, considering how old it is. I had a lovely private room and the food was good even though they put ham on my pancakes after 3 people told everyone we came in contact with that I am a vegetarian. They were uber-apologetic about it and offered to bring me another breakfast. All in all, I have to say that S&W is the best hospital system in the area. I have had terrible experiences at the other hospitals in Austin over the years and am really glad there is a better alternative available.

My Room:

Erica is here with me for the next few days! yay! I love my BFF and am so glad that she has been able to come up and be with me. The weather is really crazy right now. It is seriously pouring rain at the moment. Norbert has his trauma jacket on and we have some candles going since the power went out a bit earlier. Hopefully it will stay on the rest of the night and the rain will subside a bit. There is some serious flooding around town already. There are always some idiots that drive right into low water crossings and end up endangering themselves and their rescuers. Turn around, don’t drown, or I will make fun of you.

Well, this is all I can post for now. Hope everyone has a good night and is safe out there.

xoxo- jeni

Oct 27th That was too fast for me.

Sunday- am.

You schlep through each day’s drudgery and it seems to last forever, then all of a sudden all that time is gone.

And tomorrow you are having a surgery that will change every aspect of your life forever.  What do you do?

I myself have been crying off and on for a few weeks. Alternately paralyzed by fear and so angry that I could kill. Talk about feeling lost….

I can’t even tell you what is happening in my head. I am not sure I know myself. I have tried to work myself into forgetfulness, tried sleeping more than usual so I don’t have to think about it, but nothing works. Every few hours I am gripped by the throat and I can’t breathe and the tears come. And they keep coming and I am afraid that they will never stop. Because what is happening is for the rest of my life.

Driving in the car the other day I was accidentally slapped in the face by my future. A discussion was happening about a YouTube video and how a friend mentioned that the video creator’s wife was hot as she was used as a prop in the shower for one of the videos (this guy is supposed to be some kind of handyman or something), and basically the conversation went to how easy it was to market to men since all you really have to do is include boobs and many people on YT add a frame at the very beginning or end of their video of boobs in some way, even if the subject matter in no way relates to those boobs, just so they can get men to click on the video. There was a laugh and a “men are  silly” followed by -yes- all men really care about are tits.

I almost ran off the road. Realizing that the one thing that every straight man cares about, that gets their attention and that can be a woman’s only source of power in a situation, I will no longer have. I was also so appalled by the fact that this man used his wife as a prop, and society is mostly perfectly okay with it.

Now, I hate that it is true, and always have. But it is true. The first thing that any man looks at is your tits. Period. It is an evolutionary reaction. They are a sign of fertility, and whether you plan on propagating the species or not, the reaction is the same.  Should we be better than the animals we are? Of course! Are we? Not by a long shot. And I am effectively being culled from the heard.

Eventually I will have my reconstruction, but they will just be two numb and useless lumps of fat on my chest. Something to make me less of an anomaly in society. They will be non-functioning camo so that I can pretend that nothing happened. They will offer me no pleasure, and won’t offer my partner any either. They will make me less self conscious when clothed. I hope one day that I can have them fully tattooed so at least there will be some pleasure taken from the art on them.

But I will be irrevocably changed. Inside and out. And can only hope that by doing this I will be given the chance to survive another 50 or 60 years.

I want to live. I want to live a long and happy life. Honestly, right now it is hard to focus on anything positive though. I am scared and sad and just want this to disappear. This attitude won’t help me at all. I just don’t know how I will be in the morning.

PM

Today I had a bunch of visitors, friends and family bearing love and gifts. It was very humbling. It is wonderful to know that I have people in my life that really care about me and my well being.  Kim, Ben, and Chris came by and brought my grannyjackets that Kim so thoughtfully put pockets inside of for me. Brettany came over and brought me a ton of Day of the Dead goodies and snacks. My sister stopped on her way up to Brettany’s and brought me more DotD goodies as well as tea cookies that are an old family recipe. And Dina came over and brought a ton of food that she made for us. Everyone has been so thoughtful.

The calls, texts and emails from everyone have been really uplifting, and I can’t begin to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I feel better and am less anxious about tomorrow than I was. Just seeing my loved ones makes a huge difference.

I am still scared, and really wish this would all just go away, but I know that is not going to happen. I have to keep the fight in my mind without the anger. Once I am feeling better and am allowed to, I think a real yoga class will be my first order of business. I need to relearn how to breathe and release the anxiety in my body.
If anyone knows a good yoga studio in Round Rock that is not crazy expensive, please let me know!

OK. I am gong to try to get a couple hours of rest before I have to get up. I am not sure that will happen, but I have to try 🙂

I love you all and will update as soon as I am able.

xoxoxoxo- jeni