don’t forget to breathe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6igE7TRfDI
Above is one of my favorite songs, and probably my all time favorite show. It was so beautiful, so well casted, wonderfully written, and unbelievably short-lived. It was rudely cancelled years ago now, and I am still upset. And not just a little bit.
I bring this up just to illustrate how I hang on to my anger and sadness (and hopefully introduce you to 2 beautiful things.)
Trying to live in the present is not easy. I am always in the past, or the future. Mad/upset about things that happened decades ago, or telling myself things like “once I lose 70 pounds, then I will _____.” I, like most people, tend forget that there is a “now” that we have and should be living and paying attention to. Conscious living is hard to get the hang of, especially in our society.
Americans, as a whole, are backward ass people. We are usually more concerned with accumulating money and stuff than cultivating rich life. We don’t teach our kids to live in today, because we were never taught that. The “American Dream” is presented as monetary success, and has been for the last century via advertising and media. The true American Dream got lost, and continues to be trampled on by greed. It is pretty sad.
Anyhow, today I learned a few questions to ask myself when I find myself upset by something in the past, and hopefully it will help me to get to the root of the issue and resolve it so I am not dwelling on things. Next is learning to stop delaying my happiness until something else happens. It is usually body-image related. This is especially true now with my mangled chest. (Our society can forgive plenty of fat if you have nice breasts. Not having them and still being fat? Unforgivable. Like it or not, people treat me differently now. I know some of it is my vibe, but, things are definitely different. And it isn’t just men.)
So, I am working on not only living in the present, but also loving my present self, and learning to not allow other people ruin my day. This is something I have struggled with for years, but now it is a survival requirement.
To the ” love yourself” section:
I have begun to try to make healthy lifestyle changes. I am working with a friend who is a personal trainer to change my eating habits and he is also teaching me how to work out. I think it will probably take me about a year to really get it, but, I know I can do it. The food is the hardest part. Anyone who knows me knows I have always had a HUGE sweet tooth. I could totally skip any meal and go straight for desert, especially if it involves flaky pastries. I like my sugar with coffee and cream, and a side of bavarian cream filled, chocolate covered donuts. Having green smoothies for breakfast is not my first choice, but it needs to be and I am trying very hard to stay on track. Once I get used to changing my breakfast, then hopefully the rest of the day wont be so hard for me. Progress though: my Fritoes went stale before I could eat them. I love me some corn chips- so that is kind of a big deal. 🙂 I also stopped buying sweets and other junk food at the store. While my cravings have not gone away, at least there isn’t too much here in the house to snack on that I am not supposed to be having. This isn’t just about how I look though. Losing weight and eating better should help with my lymphedema and should help reduce my chances of recurrence or mets. This will also allow me to get my reconstruction done. I did not think i would be so affected by not having breasts, but I am. Between that and being forced into a chemical menopause, I don’t feel like a woman at all anymore. This is not my body at all. I am used to feeling uber-femm, and I don’t like the current state of things.
Continuing with therapy, and trying to identify issues and learn tools to deal with all of my emotional baggage. I have a lot of it that needs purging, sorting, and care.
I got my lymphedema pump and have been using it 3-4 times a week. It helps, it is just really uncomfortable and hot. Hopefully losing all this excess weight will get my LE under control so I don’t need to use it anymore. I’m not looking forward to lugging it around England and am hoping I do not have to if I can lose weight and get it to the point where all I will need is to wear some compression garments.
With so much happening all the time, I tend to forget to breathe. I will actually catch myself at work or whatever, not breathing. Only when it starts to get uncomfortable do I notice. I am not sure if it is only stress related or if there is something else happening with my autonomic system. I’ve never done it quite this much, or to the point of discomfort. So focusing on my breathing all day long is a goal I am working for. This will hopefully also keep me in the current moment.
On top of all of this is the fact that I am trying to find my place in this world. I am adrift, unsatisfied with my direction, and unsure of where to go. This is true in all aspects of my life right now. Not being strong enough to massage for hospice is really wrecking my peace. It was the one thing that really made me feel like I had a purpose in life. maybe there is something else I can do for them until I am strong enough again. I will email them this week to see if there is. It would help me immensely to get back into some kind of service.
Anywho, tha is my rant and plans for right now. i am going to try to get back to blogging more often. It helps me a lot, and hopefully helps someone else.
remember- i love you!! be safe out there!
xoxoxo
Posted in Uncategorized by Woodenleg with 1 comment.
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