for posterior

I mean- posterity 🙂   I just want to include my letter to everyone from when I announced my diagnosis. I really wanted to take the edge off, and hope that it got a few laughs. :

 

 

My dear loved ones,

I have some not great news, and if you are not at home or at least somewhere private, please wait to read this until you are. If this is our work email- forward it to your home email. If you think you might want someone to be with you, please wait till you can be with them. I am not trying to be a dramatic fool here,  I just am trying to convey the fact that this is less than fun and kind of a big deal (for me at least.)

 

 

This is being sent to you because you are important to me and touched my life in a significant way, and I love you, and feel that you might want to know about what is happening in my life at the moment.

 

 

I hope you do not think email is too impersonal, but to deliver it individually to all of you would really be too hard for me at this moment. (My voice also goes up about 20 octaves when I am upset and you wouldn’t be able to understand a word anyway.)

 

 

Writing this out is hard enough, so I hope you will forgive me and know that I am not trying to bring you down and that I value you very much. I do hope this does not interfere with anything you’ve got going on right now. If it does, I am very sorry. The debate in my head to even tell anyone has been going on since I found out. At the same time I have an overwhelming desire to just scream it to everyone I encounter. I’m left literally walking in circles in my room trying to make up my mind.

 

Here we go…..

 

 

 

 

I noticed a lump in my right breast a couple of weeks ago after neglecting to do my self-exam for several months. Recent tests have shown that I have breast cancer. So far, this is what I know about it:

 

Today I met with my oncologist. (How is it even possible I have one of these!?)

 

It is invasive ductal carcinoma Stage 1, Grade 3, but the lymph node they tested was clear. The first lump is big- over an inch. The second on they saw on the contrast MRI is still waiting to be tested on May 30th as they could not find locate it clearly on the ultrasound to preform another biopsy. I am also still waiting on some blood work to find out some specifics about the cells and also waiting for my BRAC tests to come back.

 

Currently my treatment plan is that I will begin chemo on 6/3/13 and will have 2 kinds over the course of 16 weeks. After the blood work we are waiting for comes back and my MRI biopsy is complete, we can decide on my surgical plan and any radiation therapies.

 

I will be blogging about all of my experiences and thoughts during this time. (I am thinking of dubbing it “The adventures of the other Pancho and Lefty” what do you think?)

 

Please note that I do have a sailors’ tongue, and will not hold it. I also will be posting photos occasionally of things that may not be altogether that pretty.  If you are offended by seriously salty language, occasional bad grammar, and ugly photos of what is going to be happening to me or people making rude gestures, I am sorry, but that will be all over my blog. Once I set it up, if you are interested in following it, please let me know and I will share the link with you.

 

 

Due to my relatively young age and the suddenness and size of the growth, I must act very quickly. Over the next few months (or however long all this takes,) I will probably need some help here and there.

 

John is the most amazing man ever (even if he thinks it would be funny if we were to go as Cousin It and Uncle Fester for Halloween this year,) but he will need help too. Because I  will be taking time off from work, sometimes without pay, I really need him to focus on being able to work and advance his career so we can keep our home and the bills paid.   He also can’t wash a dish to my satisfaction to save his life. 🙂

 

With all of this coming, I will probably need a volunteer now and again to help me with things. If you would like to be a part of my support crew, please let me know and I will put you on a special email list. I know everyone has a lot going on in their own lives or you live far or just can’t, and I DO NOT want anyone to feel any pressure to help in any way. I understand completely if you can’t, and I want to make it clear that I know how far I live from everyone, and that it is not possible for some of you to get all the way up here anyway.

 

If you have any groovy or soft large scarves, or find any really fantastic vintage ones, feel free to send them my way since I will very soon be hairless. The more 60’s and 70’s the better. I will also be needing tabi socks to wear with my flip flops (cause you know how hard it is for me to wear a shoe) so if you see some good ones, grab them or let me know where they are so I can snag them. And if you see a sale on thick yoga or lounge pants in black- let me know asap- i wanna be comfy while I am slowly poisoned so they can save me life.

 

I don’t mind you sharing this information with your immediate circle but I ask that this not be shared with anyone that you know I would not want it shared with, or with friends of those people. While I am sharing it with you, and posting on the internet (and probably some things on facebook,) that blog will be kind of anonymous, and I just don’t need the negative energy some people bring to my life.

 

I am terrified at this time, but I am also really stubborn and intend to beat this. I have wasted a lot of time saying I will this thing later, or when I get thin again, and realize none of that matters. As the dear Sweet Brown says “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

 

 

The thought of not being here to see my niece and nephew grow into adulthood, or seeing John’s hair slowly become even more like Professor Martyn Poliakoff‘s is unacceptable to me. I finally love my life and everyone in it, and I am not ready to leave it. I’ve been through too much other crap already, and I just won’t allow this to be what gets me. (Honestly, I am so pissed off right now.)

 

 

 

All that being said, the lesson you should all learn from this is

 

******** DO YOUR SELF EXAMS EVERY SINGLE MONTH.********

 

Make everyone you love do them every month. Do not miss one, ever. 

 

Breast cancer also occurs in men, so don’t think you don’t need to do them. Here is a great site: http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/about-breast-cancer

 

This is the website that I signed up to get email reminders from, and still let it slip my mind. DON’T FOLLOW THAT EXAMPLE.

 

Men- make sure you are checking your bits every month too. And ladies- get into any OB/GYN service you can to get your insides checked. Colon cancer needs to be on everyone’s watch list. Don’t mess around or think it will be too uncomfortable. Cancer is more uncomfortable than having a camera where the sun don’t shine. Plus, they give you the good drugs when you get that done.

 

Also- quit smoking, eating garbage food, and abusing your body. All that raises your risk of various cancers. The saying “We all die of something” may be true, but wouldn’t you rather go later, after you see your kids turn into awesome people, and after you get to visit all the places and people you have ever wanted? I know I do.

 

http://www.breastcancer.org/ is a great site too. Try not to look at the articles with statistics though. They are not always good for moral.

 

http://www.letsfcancer.com/    is amazing.

 

 

I cannot express to you how much I care about each and every one of you. I may not see you very often for whatever reason, or maybe have not seen you in 20 years, but please know that I love and care for you and want you all to live long and healthy lives. So do what you need to do now to make sure you have that time. What ever it is that you want most out of your life, make it happen. Don’t wait to do X until you do _____ . Putting it off gets you no where, and then something like this happens and you are standing there with a dazed expression wondering what the eff you’ve been wasting your time on. No bueno.

 

OK- that’s all I got.  I love you. Take care of yourself.

 

 

xoxoxox

j

my official message to cancer via my brother in jazz, Howard Moon

photo live-ju-flip-off.gif


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