i get by with a little help from my friends.

Friends- they make life worth living.

I got to see some of my favorite people the last few weeks. One of my dearest friends, Dave, came to visit from California this weekend. We had a great weekend! Friday, a baseball game with Kim and Ben, some shopping,  and lots of driving. Erica and Marvin came up Saturday and we went to see Captain America Winter Soldier (loved it,) then we all had a pizza and beer night with Brettany, Jessica, and Justin, followed by ice cream. Sunday we headed down to San Marcos to Victor’s, then to the old Pearl Brewery site for shipping and more food with Erica and Marvin, then I let Dave with Victor, and went to Takoba with Joel,  Amy, Chris, and their friends (I just had wee samples of some things, and cake.) Monday we met Amy and Chris at South Congress Cafe. I have been wanting to go there for a couple of years, but for some reason or another just never made it. It was yuuuuuuuuumy, if a little over priced with bad service.  I will def. still go back if someone wants to go though. Carrot cake French toast. Yep.  I am exhausted! and full!

Then I had to take Dave to the airport and rush home to get to work as my manager was out on Monday and I am trying to cover as often as possible so I can hopefully one day get promoted.  His trip out was way too short, and I sure miss that guy a lot. He’s one of the best people I have ever met. His whole family is the best! Super sweet, laid back, kind. You can’t ask to have better people in your life, even if you only see them every few years. He will hopefully make it back in the winter, if not, I am planning on making it out to see him next year, after my next surgery (or before it if I don’t meet my goal on time.)

As the weeks fly by, I am having less side effects from the tamoxifen. I am finally sleeping through most of the night, my hot flashes and night sweats are lessening, the pain in my bones and joints is getting more bearable, I don’t smell as weird (or maybe I am just used to it.) I get a little concerned that maybe that means it isn’t effective, but I have to take the effexor to not cry constantly, and it helps with all the other things too. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that it is not lessening the effectiveness of the tam and that I don’t get cancer again. Living with the fear is crippling at times. Especially when people on the bc forums announce recurrence, mets, or that they are going into hospice care.

My lymphedema is getting better with the help of PT. I have 4 more weeks to go, but now just once a week. Next Tuesday I will start doing more ‘working out’ so that I can get the guidance I need for really working out. I’ve got 6 months to drop more than a few inches and get into serious walking shape for the trip to England. The only thing that is really giving me a hard time is fatigue. This last weekend really highlighted my issue. I have to get some stamina back. I feel like I am 80. This is not okay. I know i will never feel like I am 15, but even 40, 45 would be good. I am just gonna keep on pressing on- and fight like mad because as my dear Sweet Brown always says “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

My other issue is social/emotional. I am trying to get out and do more, and do more around the house so I have something else to talk about. My world is still very cancer-oriented, and having a normal conversation is so much harder than you can imagine. That was highlighted for me at dinner Sunday. Just trying to find some small talk that was not related to a doctors office, or treatment, or surgery, was hard. I know that it will get easier, and I should not be embarrassed by my life, but I don’t want to depress anyone. Finding common ground is just hard. Also- there is still a lot of body awkwardness. Being around young, thin, healthy people makes me want to cry. I remember myself that way, then I see myself in the mirror, and I have aged 20 years in 11 months, am very heavy, and feel so unhealthy. It is devastating at times. I know that eventually I will lose weight, feel healthier, have more confidence . (unfortunately I will never get any younger!)  But right now, I just have to work on doing more, having more experiences, so I can talk about anything but cancer when I see people. At the same time, I feel like I have to say something so they know I didn’t always look like this. It is such a strange place to be in.

I wish I could just win the lotto so I could take a break. I have a wonderful friend that lives in St Croix, and I just want to go down there and sit on the beach for a few months. Help him with plants, and swim. Not worry about anything else.  I just want a time out. A long one. Then come back and farm. Raising veggies. Digging in the dirt.  *sigh* a girl can dream, can’t she?

Oh- and this blog theme updated, and changed a bunch of things! Big jerks!  I may have to change more stuff, so just know that it wasn’t my choice.  So few times are updates improvements at all….

 

OK- it is 3am, I miss my friends, and hope that you are all sleeping peacefully, having sweet dreams.

love you


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