Oh my god, it’s a mirage! I’m tellin’ y’all it’s a sabotage!

Self-sabotage, that is.

 

Or is it, sab-a-taaage?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlOTRxt-dIw

 

Either way, I seem to be good at it.

I know that working out and eating right will make me healthy, and get this weight off me, but I continue to do the opposite. I’m in this ugly cycle of determination-fatigue-laziness-guilt-depression-determination-fatigue-laziness-guilt-depression and am having a really hard time breaking it.

I scheduled my reconstruction for August, so there is no time to waste, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference in the morning when I am exhausted and just need to sleep. And the kitchen is perpetually a disaster. I hate doing dishes so much. So I don’t cook, or if I do, it takes me forever to get the dishes done. I mean, I REAAAAAALLY hate washing dishes. I wish we had food replicators, or just some nutra-pudding that provided 100% of everything we need and nothing we don’t without having to think about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love food. But I would rather eat the same thing forever than have to think about what to make, and clean up after.

I suppose that is how prepackaged foods became the norm. The “atomic age” our country saw really changed the landscape of our eating habits in a ginormous way. I think the country was so fatigued after WW2, that food producers could have (and did) packaged up some seriously scary shit and sell it like crazy simply because it “took the work out of dinner.” Think about what your great grandparents, grandparents, and parents grew up eating. If you can, look at their cookbooks. The way everything was done changed dramatically. I find it really interesting, and I think that it accounts for a large part of our current cancer insanity.

 

Anyhow, back to my habits. They need to change. I’ve gotten a ton of amazing advice and knowledge from all over, and especially from my friend and trainer Colby (at Atlas Fit in Lakeway.)  He’s provided me with not only the skills to make my way around most of the equipment in the gym, but also the kitchen.

Now I just have to implement these skills into my every day. That is where the problem starts. As I sit here eating Ben & Jerry’s salted caramel ice cream, I don’t feel great about it. It isn’t just that I know it is not good for me, but I am not completely enjoying it. I feel driven to consume sweets, even when I don’t really want them. And even though I have fresh fruit and veggies in the fridge, I bypass them for junk. It is like I don’t have control over myself, and I’m really very angry about it. In every other vice, I can kick it to the curb in an instant. I quit smoking that way. Quit any recreational drugs, can give up beer without a second thought (well, maybe a fond thought for Fireman’s 4 would go through my head) but for the life of me, trying to make the right choice in the kitchen just defeats me. Then getting up in the morning to hit the gym? I look at the clock and fall right back to sleep, even when I have had 8 hours.  Part of that stems from the fact that getting to and from the gym is an hour each way in really shitty traffic. The other part is that I am just worn the fuck out all the time. Colby pointed out that stress is a factor in how you wake. I am sure my cortisol levels are through the roof 24/7. Between work, all the projects at home, cats & dogs, cancer, and everything else, my fight or flight response is always active.

I’ve got to change that, without stressing about it. AHAHAHAHAHAH!

Anyone ever see Catch 22? I feel like I am living in that movie sometimes.

So, to start this week off, Monday morning I will be heading into the gym, taking my kale and berry smoothie in hand, without fail. I’m out of time, out of excuses, and out of patience with myself over this shit. Tired of making jokes about how I ate the girl in my old photos. Tired of being tired all the time. Tired of being a slave to my sugar addiction. Tired of not fitting into all my favorite clothes. I know I will never be that 120lb slip of a girl again, but I can get to a reasonable weight if I work my ass off and hold myself accountable. Every pound of fat I carry increases my risk of recurrence and metastasis, and I don’t want that. I really don’t want to go through another cancer battle, as the second round is usually a losing one for breast cancer patients.  I have no interest in dying anytime soon, so if I can put it off at all, I will.

I am not sure how I will do it. It is a daunting task. Maybe if I just don’t think about it, it will make it easier. I won’t get overwhelmed and freak out. We’ll see. I’ve got till the end of March on my contract, then I will just be using the gym at work and will also start taking yoga somewhere local, to help with my stress and flexibility issues.

Lets see… that will be 4-5 hours of weight training weekly, 5-7 hours of flamenco dancing weekly, and 30-60 minutes a day doing yoga.

I better lose all this damn fat by the end of the year or I am going to be furious.

Wish me luck, and if you have any programs that you use to keep yourself motivated, please share them in the comments here! I love to hear how others keep themselves going!

xo- j

 

 

 


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