back to the future
Ok- so a big part of my issues lately is this feeling of being in limbo. While not technically in active treatment, I am still in treatment, and not sure if it will work to keep the cancer at bay. And it is only for one type of cancer that I had. I am a super planner. I usually have things in my calendar for the whole year already- chores, projects, trips, I plan things months in advance. This year, that has not been the case. I have been doing things a week at a time, unless someone else is involved.
Brettany and I have been talking about and tentatively planning a trip to England for a wedding – 2 very dear and wonderful friends are getting married in November. Now, I have been saving for it already, and trying to really get excited, but there is always this little voice in the back of my head saying “hey- you should not plan too far, you don’t have any idea what will happen, you may be back in chemo, or radiation, or dying in November.” That is there with EVERYTHING. So I haven’t really committed to anything solidly because fear has a steely grip on my heart. I am terrified of recurrence or mets. That is something that keeps me up at night, that hole that opens up under me at the most inopportune moments. I have been trying to get past it, and my therapy session this week was about this fear and how huge it is- how I can’t see around it or over it. She asked me to visualize it, and my visual was the Great Wall of China, but with a sheer face on the side of the mountain I am on. Or the Tower of Orthinac- impenetrable, unscalable, and dark.
She told me to change that “what if i get cancer again” to “what if i don’t ever have cancer again?” A thought that never even crossed my mind. Seriously. I was like- that is just too simple, but I will go with that in my head from now on. And- it is working.
So today I bought tickets for B and I to go see Noel Fielding in England during our trip. I can’t even tell you how seriously excited about this. I freaking LOVE HIM! and we got amazing seats!! and fancy dress (costumes) are encouraged!!! AAAAAHHHH! Making that purchase for those tickets was a big step for me. Seeing myself there, enjoying life, having a great time with one of my best friends, seeing 2 beautiful people join in marriage, celebrating long term commitments. That is big. I have to keep my mind in that direction. When that wall starts to loom, I have to ask myself “what can I do if i don’t ever have cancer again?”
So, tickets purchased, planner out, making notes about things needing done around the house and socially, and making sure that I keep looking forward.
I know this won’t always be easy, but it is a start, and a thought I did not have before. I can’t let this fear control me or ruin my life.
love you guys.
Posted in Uncategorized by Woodenleg with 2 comments.
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