The lesson I never seem to learn

It is ridiculous, really.

Over and over, life tells me the same story. I listen to it, think I absorb it, and continue on my merry way all the while preaching the lesson. I never learn it myself, though.

Today, I am left devastated, heartbroken, and utterly void. My first true love, the man that every other man has always been compared to, the perfection that was Leonard Nimoy, left us.

(For anyone that knows me, they know what kind of grief I am feeling right now. Thank you to those that reached out to me today.)

It may seem silly to you, but at the age of 4, I found the perfect man. The first movie I had ever seen on the big screen brought him into my life. I was blown away by everything that was presented to my eyes. The story, the concepts, the beauty, and – those eyebrows.  From that moment, my heart belonged to not only Spock, but the stars. I would gaze up to the sky and cry, knowing that  maybe, one day, I would get to go there.

Instead of following those dreams, I let the world beat me down. Over and over, I put the things that were really important to me on the back burner in favor of immediate and often fruitless tasks. My fear of failure, and the scars left on me from years of abuse at the hand of another child, destroyed my ability to make sound decisions about every aspect of my life.

I repeatedly decided to not try harder, not choose the right partner, not make the right decisions about work and school. I’m still making some of these mistakes daily. It is a habit, I suppose. It is one that leaves me full of regret and sorrow.

Instead of fighting for the piloting career I always wanted, I backed off when I was told that “women were not test pilots.” At that time, they weren’t. Instead of going to all those Star Trek conventions I wanted to go to, I let boyfriends waste my time. Instead of meeting the man of my dreams, I let things get in the way. I have filled my life with tchotchkes, trying to fill the hole that was left by disappointment at a young age. 

Shit, cancer didn’t even wake my ass up. Not really. I still find myself wasting time and money on things and tasks that have zero value to me in the long run.

What is wrong with me?  I am not sure. I know I will be hashing this out with my therapist for decades to come. What I do know is, I plan to work very hard to prioritize my life, my time, and my money, so that the people, experiences, and things that matter most to me are no longer set aside.

I’ll never get the chance to see Leonard Nimoy in person now. I waited too long to decide to purchase any of his signed art prints or other works.  I will remain full of regret and anger about that for a long time.

With any luck, and a lot of hard work, I will stop punishing myself and living in fear, and will start to actually live my genuine life. The one that brings me joy. And I will spend time with the people I love, and go meet and see the people who’s art I love.

Mr. Nimoy, thank you. Thank you for all your art, your kindness, your love of humanity. Thank you for opening my eyes to the universe, and my heart to all the wonderfully strange things that are out there. Thank you for allowing us to love you, in the wonderfully fanatic way that we do. Thank you for being amazing.

To myself, and the rest of you, I implore you to not wait. Go to that show. See that exhibit. Meet those people. Embrace your loved ones every chance you get. It is gone in a blink. Don’t cheat yourself. 

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