Sunday- am.<\/p>\n
You schlep through each day’s drudgery and it seems to last forever, then all of a sudden all that time is gone.<\/p>\n
And tomorrow you are having a surgery that will change every aspect of your life forever.\u00a0 What do you do?<\/p>\n
I myself have been crying off and on for a few weeks. Alternately paralyzed by fear and so angry that I could kill. Talk about feeling lost….<\/p>\n
I can’t even tell you what is happening in my head. I am not sure I know myself. I have tried to work myself into forgetfulness, tried sleeping more than usual so I don’t have to think about it, but nothing works. Every few hours I am gripped by the throat and I can’t breathe and the tears come. And they keep coming and I am afraid that they will never stop. Because what is happening is for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n
Driving in the car the other day I was accidentally slapped in the face by my future. A discussion was happening about a YouTube video and how a friend mentioned that the video creator’s wife was hot as she was used as a prop in the shower for one of the videos (this guy is supposed to be some kind of handyman or something), and basically the conversation went to how easy it was to market to men since all you really have to do is include boobs and many people on YT add a frame at the very beginning or end of their video of boobs in some way, even if the subject matter in no way relates to those boobs, just so they can get men to click on the video. There was a laugh and a “men are\u00a0 silly” followed by -yes- all men really care about are tits.<\/p>\n
I almost ran off the road. Realizing that the one thing that every straight man cares about, that gets their attention and that can be a woman’s only source of power in a situation, I will no longer have. I was also so appalled by the fact that this man used his wife as a prop, and society is mostly perfectly okay with it.<\/p>\n
Now, I hate that it is true, and always have. But it is true. The first thing that any man looks at is your tits. Period. It is an evolutionary reaction. They are a sign of fertility, and whether you plan on propagating the species or not, the reaction is the same.\u00a0 Should we be better than the animals we are? Of course! Are we? Not by a long shot. And I am effectively being culled from the heard.<\/p>\n
Eventually I will have my reconstruction, but they will just be two numb and useless lumps of fat on my chest. Something to make me less of an anomaly in society. They will be non-functioning camo so that I can pretend that nothing happened. They will offer me no pleasure, and won’t offer my partner any either. They will make me less self conscious when clothed. I hope one day that I can have them fully tattooed so at least there will be some pleasure taken from the art on them.<\/p>\n
But I will be irrevocably changed. Inside and out. And can only hope that by doing this I will be given the chance to survive another 50 or 60 years.<\/p>\n
I want to live. I want to live a long and happy life. Honestly, right now it is hard to focus on anything positive though. I am scared and sad and just want this to disappear. This attitude won’t help me at all. I just don’t know how I will be in the morning.<\/p>\n
PM<\/p>\n
Today I had a bunch of visitors, friends and family bearing love and gifts. It was very humbling. It is wonderful to know that I have people in my life that really care about me and my well being.\u00a0 Kim, Ben, and Chris came by and brought my grannyjackets that Kim so thoughtfully put pockets inside of for me. Brettany came over and brought me a ton of Day of the Dead goodies and snacks. My sister stopped on her way up to Brettany’s and brought me more DotD goodies as well as tea cookies that are an old family recipe. And Dina came over and brought a ton of food that she made for us. Everyone has been so thoughtful.<\/p>\n
The calls, texts and emails from everyone have been really uplifting, and I can’t begin to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I feel better and am less anxious about tomorrow than I was. Just seeing my loved ones makes a huge difference.<\/p>\n
I am still scared, and really wish this would all just go away, but I know that is not going to happen. I have to keep the fight in my mind without the anger. Once I am feeling better and am allowed to, I think a real yoga class will be my first order of business. I need to relearn how to breathe and release the anxiety in my body.
\nIf anyone knows a good yoga studio in Round Rock that is not crazy expensive, please let me know!<\/p>\n
OK. I am gong to try to get a couple hours of rest before I have to get up. I am not sure that will happen, but I have to try \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
I love you all and will update as soon as I am able.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
xoxoxoxo- jeni<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sunday- am. You schlep through each day’s drudgery and it seems to last forever, then all of a sudden all that time is gone. And tomorrow you are having a surgery that will change every aspect of your life forever.\u00a0 What do you do? I myself have been crying off and on for a few weeks. Alternately paralyzed by fear and so angry that I could kill. Talk about feeling lost…. I can’t even tell you what is happening in my head. I am not sure I know myself. I have tried to work myself into forgetfulness, tried sleeping more than usual so I don’t have to think about it, but nothing works. Every few hours I am gripped by the throat and I can’t breathe and the tears come. And they keep coming and I am afraid that they will never stop. Because what is happening is for the rest of my life. Driving in the car the other day I was accidentally slapped in the face by my future. A discussion was happening about a YouTube video and how a friend mentioned that the video creator’s wife was hot as she was used as a prop in the shower for one of the videos (this guy is supposed to be some kind of handyman or something), and basically the conversation went to how easy it was to market to men since all you really have to do is include boobs and many people on YT add a frame Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=290"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":293,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions\/293"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=290"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=290"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=290"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}