One of the best albums in history.\u00a0 This is a great article about one of the best songs on one of the best albums in the history of all the universe<\/p>\n
http:\/\/www.openculture.com\/2013\/06\/mick_jagger_tells_the_story_behind_gimme_shelter.html<\/a><\/p>\n Very moving.<\/p>\n When she said “Life is short as it is and I can\u2019t live on yesterday\u201d it hit me pretty hard. I cried for about an hour- playing that song over and over. (thanks Tom!!)<\/p>\n While therapy and my therapist are helping me tremendously, I know it will take time for me to move forward. To not feel these things I am feeling right now. To find my way back to a “normal” life. You wouldn’t know it to look at my house, but I am a perfectionist. A perfectionist that is also a self-defeatist. Growing up, there were no grey areas. It was much like Yoda said,\u00a0 “Do or do not, there is no try.” I am an all or nothing kind of person, and also one that has little patience with myself or tasks. In some ways that has helped me, in some ways it holds me back. I see this long road before me, and it is daunting. I can’t fix it right now, and that leads me to feel doomed to fail. I am a sprinter, not a marathon runner. I expect results immediately, especially from myself. Not being able to be who I was 9 months ago, or who I think I should be right now is exasperating. I am sad, and I am so very angry about it.<\/p>\n Not just a little mad. I want to punch and throw things. I am feeling like the Lady Eowyn, shield maiden of Rohan, left behind to tend to the infirm when all I want to do is raise a sword and fight.\u00a0 I want to hurt this thing that has hurt me. This invisible monster that my body produced.\u00a0 And I can’t even hit a pillow now as it may cause lymphedema (LE).\u00a0 How fucking unfair is that?!\u00a0 Who knows if I will ever be able to hit a heavy bag again? My dream is to have a vase throwing room. If any of you remember Moonlighting, there is an episode where they did Taming of the Shrew. She had\u00a0 shelf full of throwing vases. When I saw that as a child I was in awe. Everyone should have a room for that.<\/p>\n \u00a0 http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=LV9hg-TGO0E&list=PLAB80F73218969286<\/a><\/p>\n I actually had to schedule a sort of emergency appointment with my oncologist, as I think I may be getting what they call truncal LE.\u00a0 My armpit felt like I had a tennis ball in it. It didn’t look that way, but that is how it felt.\u00a0 So far my arms and hands seem okay (thank goodness) but the underarm thing is really scary. I’ll see her, then she will refer me to a physical therapist that works with LE.\u00a0 Good times.<\/p>\n If I ever have the okay from all my doctors and physical therapists, I will be taking up both archery and fencing.<\/p>\n My therapist said I should try to focus on the little steps forward that I might take. Like the fact that my teeth and gums were pretty much undamaged by chemo. That my salivary glands were not damaged.\u00a0 I have a tendency to think about cancer, about cancer cells, to see them in my mind. I am to practice replacing those images with images of healthy cells, a healthy me.\u00a0 Things happen very fast once you are diagnosed, you don’t have time to think about it. Until you do, then you brood on it.\u00a0 It is not easy to retrain your brain, and as cancer patients usually have PTSD, the trauma has burned things in your mind. Changing how you think on a moment to moment basis is hard work. And results take time. I have to learn to give myself time. Time to heal, time to think, time to love myself. I would say again, but I have never really loved myself. That will be another 6 months of therapy…..<\/p>\n So I will let my heart bleed. For myself (for a change.) And I will work hard to be strong and healthy. I will be patient with myself, and hope that you are patient with me. Because even though I look better, I am still very ill, and injured, and have a very long road ahead with many obstacles that I will have to overcome.\u00a0 When you ask me how I am and I start to cry, or tell you that things are hard, know that I am being honest, and not looking for pity, but understanding and support on my journey.<\/p>\n Was that rambling or what?<\/p>\n mucho love!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the best albums in history.\u00a0 This is a great article about one of the best songs on one of the best albums in the history of all the universe http:\/\/www.openculture.com\/2013\/06\/mick_jagger_tells_the_story_behind_gimme_shelter.html Very moving. When she said “Life is short as it is and I can\u2019t live on yesterday\u201d it hit me pretty hard. I cried for about an hour- playing that song over and over. (thanks Tom!!) While therapy and my therapist are helping me tremendously, I know it will take time for me to move forward. To not feel these things I am feeling right now. To find my way back to a “normal” life. You wouldn’t know it to look at my house, but I am a perfectionist. A perfectionist that is also a self-defeatist. Growing up, there were no grey areas. It was much like Yoda said,\u00a0 “Do or do not, there is no try.” I am an all or nothing kind of person, and also one that has little patience with myself or tasks. In some ways that has helped me, in some ways it holds me back. I see this long road before me, and it is daunting. I can’t fix it right now, and that leads me to feel doomed to fail. I am a sprinter, not a marathon runner. I expect results immediately, especially from myself. Not being able to be who I was 9 months ago, or who I think I should be right now is exasperating. I am sad, and Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-372","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=372"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":374,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/372\/revisions\/374"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=372"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=372"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=372"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}