Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the Earth and those around me, that I might just float right off the planet. I felt that way several times, long before cancer became something I had to live with personally. I have always been a melancholy baby, and my mom would just say I was an old soul. I think my brooding startled her.<\/p>\n
The fact is, that since my diagnosis and treatment, either by change or choice, I have not been able to see people the way I’d like to, and I simply don’t enjoy life the same way I did. You would think that I would be embracing it with fervor! I feel like I should be, but the honest truth is, I am still so tired, and feel just crappy a lot of the time. I have zero self esteem as well. So that just makes me stay at home a lot. And in my bed. I am sure part of it is that my body is still tired from the chemo and surgery, and the drugs I take leave me fatigued, but part of it is mental. I think I was doing better while in chemo. It was still a new existence and I didn’t feel so- different. I did not expect to be so affected by my surgery.<\/p>\n
My therapist is helping a lot with my issues. And the forums on breastcancer.org are great, a ton of support there. My friends and family, when I see or hear from them, are fantastic. But there is just a part of my reality that is broken right now. A huge shift in my ability to really connect with people on a very basic level, even if they really know what I have been through. I don’t like feeling this way at all.<\/p>\n
Even in my darkest moments pre-cancer, I still had a lust for life. Now it is more of a “i’ll text you later, maybe.” I feel like my fire has been extinguished.<\/p>\n
I hope you know that I don’t put these kinds of things here to make anyone pity me, or to just complain. I am trying to document my experience, in hopes that i can help others and myself. Or at least that I might be able to look back and see where I came from.<\/p>\n
Moving through this world ‘in treatment’, sometimes people don’t see what you are going through, and sometimes that is all they see. It is hard to walk that line- you want people to understand, you want to share your experience, but you don’t want that to be all you discuss or all they see in you. You want their love and support, but not their pity, or for them to shun you. You don’t want to discourage questions, either, even if you have answered them a hundred times, because, what if it might help that person? And for me, at this point, this is what comes out of me most of the time “blah blah blah cancer blah.”\u00a0 It is still a ‘now’ thing, and will be for a bit I guess.<\/p>\n
I have to thank the universe for one small thing. I had someone I care about very much that had a breast cancer scare and she got the news today that it was not cancer. I have been worried all week for her. Going from feeling overwhelming guilt, like somehow it was my fault if she did have cancer, to the regular pity party of ‘why did it happen to me?’ But thank the stars- her biopsy came back clear and she can put it behind her. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through any cancer. The fact that I am not an all powerful being that can take things like cancer away is really annoying. (working on my control issues in therapy….)<\/p>\n
I know I will eventually resettle into life, and I hope I can get the spark back into my soul. Right now I can see it flicking and bouncing down a dark tunnel, like a child running with a sparkler. I just have to catch her before it goes out.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
xoxox<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the Earth and those around me, that I might just float right off the planet. I felt that way several times, long before cancer became something I had to live with personally. I have always been a melancholy baby, and my mom would just say I was an old soul. I think my brooding startled her. The fact is, that since my diagnosis and treatment, either by change or choice, I have not been able to see people the way I’d like to, and I simply don’t enjoy life the same way I did. You would think that I would be embracing it with fervor! I feel like I should be, but the honest truth is, I am still so tired, and feel just crappy a lot of the time. I have zero self esteem as well. So that just makes me stay at home a lot. And in my bed. I am sure part of it is that my body is still tired from the chemo and surgery, and the drugs I take leave me fatigued, but part of it is mental. I think I was doing better while in chemo. It was still a new existence and I didn’t feel so- different. I did not expect to be so affected by my surgery. My therapist is helping a lot with my issues. And the forums on breastcancer.org are great, a ton of support there. My friends and family, when I see or Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/388","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=388"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/388\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":391,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/388\/revisions\/391"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.super-crush.com\/blahblahblah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}