I just want a flipping donut!

Soy. For years it was my friend. Now it is in EVERYTHING and I cannot have ANYTHING. motherfuck it is annoying!

I can handle the hot flashes, the severe night sweats (both of these happen 10-20 times in 24 hours,) the possibility of losing my hair, the mood swings, the severe joint and bone pain, the extraordinary fatigue, but what I cannot handle is the fact that I can’t just go get a doughnut wherever, whenever.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend every day at the local donut store. I get donuts once a month, maybe. They are my favorite thing. The absolute worst as far as sweets go: fried, sugar coated dough. But they are the best tasting things in the world. And making them at home is unbelievably difficult and messy.

So – if you know of any soy free donuts within 30 miles of me, please let me know.

This soy thing is really throwing me for a loop. I was just starting to get serious about transitioning to being vegan when this started. And with the tamoxifen, it isn’t just soy, it is all high phytoestrogens. Flax seed is totally out, most nuts, some fruits, even broccoli has to be moderated. Anything that says “natural flavors” or “spices” is even suspect. And there does not seem to be anyone local that can help me navigate this that my insurance also covers. Lame.

I am doing what I can though. Label reading is my  new hobby. I am trying to just shop in the organic produce section (it is really small) and am slowly eliminating all my favorite foods. Luckily Central Market has a line of chocolate that is soy-free (for the mo at least.) I also found Enjoy Life chocolate chips for when I need them. Amazon has a few good deals.

Oh – that reminds me. I also really, really love cinnamon. I had NO IDEA that there were different kinds, and that some isn’t really cinnamon at all. If you have ever seen me make cinnamon toast or anything, you know that I like it brown, and not from the heat. Enter “cinnamon-gate”!   This article explains things  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/09/danish-cinnamon-rolls-spicy-european-union_n_4570982.html   I have to be very careful with my liver, so I just removed all of the so-called cin from my cupboards and ordered a pound of what is supposed to be true organic  Ceylon cin. I also just got done watching an interesting program on PBS about Sri Lanka and how they produce it and a bit of history. It was very insightful, and I hope the people that made the cin i just purchased made better money off of my sale than is the norm.  Those people work very hard and are true craftsmen/women.  I will use the other for pest control and fungus control in the gardens.

Speaking of which- I cannot wait for “spring”!! So ready to get out there and dig in the dirt and get messy! I miss it so much! But for now I am using my time to sleep and try to get the inside in decent shape so that from March till it gets too hot I can be outside enjoying my yard. I am almost done taking all the holiday decor down, and will start back on getting my kitchen in order once that is complete. i am also still scanning photos, and will be starting on John’s office renovations in February. Just scraping and painting I think, unless he decides to do something else. After it gets hot, we will then work on the study and the other areas we can reach without building scaffolding yet. And hopefully I will have a bed frame by the end of the year.

So much to do and so little energy at the moment. I am really hoping this fatigue fades away. I swear I could sleep 20 hours out of the day (mind- that would be interrupted by my lovely hot flashes and sweats at least once an hour.) It is hard to rest when your body wakes you up like that. I feel like I am breaking a fever all the time. That is the best way to describe it. It is so weird.

I heard from a very dear old friend this past week. I had not heard from him since July, and figured he was busy as his father was also fighting the big c. That was the case, and I am sorry to say that he did not win. I am glad he got in contact with me, as he is very dear to me. And I am so very sorry for his loss.  Cancer is an ugly part of our life. No matter what direction you are looking at it from. I am really angry that is causes so many people so much pain and worry. I am angry that it causes my loved ones to be worried and sad, and that it causes some of them to be so overwhelmed that they cannot handle being around me because they have been touched negatively by it at some point. That they look at me, and I see fear or anguish in their eyes. I don’t want to be the cause of that – ever. I see enough of that in the mirror, and only want to bring joy to those I love.

ACH! I didn’t want this to be a post about those things, but they are there. They will always be there now. I just have to control how I deal with it all, right?

I need to get up, and get busy, and live my life the best way that I know how. We get one shot (that we know of) and I don’t want to make any more regrettable mistakes. I want to do good for the world, and for myself.

So- keep on keepin’ on my loves.

xoxoxo

 

ps- i just have to add: i really, really miss my boobs.

 


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