The Adventures of the other Pancho and LeftyCancer is a jerk. This is my story about living with it.

Jul 3rd Progress

First let me start with a shot of the beautiful flowers Wendy brought to me Monday:

So pretty! And it is always nice to see that busy woman.

Chemo went pretty well Monday, and I proudly wore my hennaed head without a scarf. I got so many compliments in the waiting room. I think people are surprised to see anyone just going around without a cover, and even more surprised to find beautiful art on someones head. It does give me some extra confidence to go without a scarf. I feel like I should be sure to share the love and beauty that Kim applied to me with the world.

As usual, before my chemo I had a talk with my Onc. and she was very concerned about the neuropathy I experienced after the second round. She let me know that if I have it this time that I would have to stretch the next round out over 4 weeks/once a week to reduce the chance of permanent nerve damage. That would suck.  So far so good though. By this time last round I was really feeling terrible, and this time it seems to not be happening (yet.)

Good news though: the tumor I initially found, the one that was palpable, has melted enough that she could not really find a hard margin on it! You can feel a mass in the area, but it is like the tumor just melted. She called it at 1cm for now, and told me if it continues to respond in this manner, there is a really good chance that I may not have to have any big surgery. I am trying to not get my hopes up to high about that, but that would effing rule. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me on all that.

Tuesday brought the usual neulasta injection, and again I went out sans-cover. Afterwards I went to La Madelaine’s again for a croissant and coffee, then hit up JoAnne’s fabrics as they are having a giant sale, and I was looking for some basic light weight fabric to do some wraps with, and ended up getting a ton of stuff for almost nothing. I love it when that happens, and so many ppl again complimented my head. It felt so good to hear strangers say nice things to you. I always try to compliment people when I see something beautiful or kind out in the world. I wish more people would not be so afraid to do so.

Here are a couple of self-done shots of my head on Tuesday, ooh stubbly!:

Today I got to see Amy, Eva, and Joel at brunch. That was fantastic! I’ve missed them all very much and get pretty sad that the girls live so far away these days. I also had a “Austin is the still the biggest small town in the world” moment when Eva’s former boss showed up, and is the soon to be baby-mom of a former coworker of mine that gave me the extra push to be a massage therapist, and who recommended I go to Texas Healing Arts, which was the best decision I could have made as far as school went. I hope they have a healthy child- it is sure to be loved greatly.

BTW- still listening to Matt Berry’s new LP. If you are into some folksy-psychadillia,  you need to check it out. https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/matt-berry/id180104600  Kill the Wolf is his latest, Opium, and Witchhazel are the 2 previous. You can’t go wrong with any of it! Beautimous!

Lastly, I want to again appeal to all of you that might be reading this to help Tabitha. She desperately needs funds to get her treatment now. Please share and donate here http://erennie.wix.com/tynkerhelp

Thank you!

Jul 1st Good times, good times.

This weekend was so fun!

I took off early Saturday, as Erica and Brettany were staying the night at my place. We went to Origami for dinner, then made a couple of loaves of banana-peanut butter cup bread (for the recipe http://cookiesandcups.com/reeses-peanut-butter-banana-bread/ ), and then sat up watching The IT Crowd and jabbering. It was super fun!

Then Sunday, Erica and I picked up Erin and met Brettany and Shayne for lunch at Mandola’s for a nice long lunch full of cheese and gelato! mmmmmmmmmm my favorite things! It is probably a good thing I don’t live closer to any of their locations. I really like their pizzas, and the gelato and bakery items are divine.

After lunch Shayne had to go to work, and the rest of us headed over to Kim’s for my henna. Let me just say that she is an amazing woman. No one makes me feel more welcome or sends more love out into the world than Kim. She just has the best energy, and is so loving of everyone she meets. We sat around and talked and laughed for a couple of hours then got started on my head. Then got a great surprise as our good friend Hez and his lovely wife Heidi stopped in for a visit! They are in town from Ohio for a wedding, and were in the neighborhood and decided they couldn’t just drive past without stopping. Talk about a pleasant surprise!

Having Kim apply henna is always a great experience, and her art is truly beautiful. To have her apply it to my chemo scalp was something new and amazing altogether. it felt so good, and I could really feel the love and care she was putting into it. So soothing and calming. I am very lucky to have someone like her in my life. I wish I was able to see her on a more regular basis just to hang out and have a good time. She does so many fun and amazing things, and really embraces life with a zest that is uncommon. I really admire her.

Anyhow- we finished up around 9PM and this is the amazing result:

Today is chemo, and Wendy is supposed to come visit in the afternoon if I am feeling good. Also, John and I should be getting some Thai food for dinner. While the chemo is no fun, today should still be a really great day.

I love my friends and John, and am a lucky woman to have such wondrous and beautiful people in my life. I wasn’t always  this lucky, and made several bad decisions and had a lot of unkind people in my life in the past. I am glad that things have changed and that I have learned to recognize that love and kindness trump everything else.

<3<3<3

Jun 27th can someone please hit fast forward?

Man. Here is my whine for the week: it is only week 4, it feels like week 100, and I am so bored. Not being able to go out and do regular things is so much harder than you think it will be.

Sunday was great, I had visits from Kim S. and her fella Paul, and they brought me some funny stories, righteous vegan mac-n-cheeze and chocolate chip cookies, and Erin and Jay, who brought me a cork board for all my cards and notes and some yummy sea salt caramels, as well as their wonderful faces and conversation. It was really awesome to see them all. I love my friends so much! That evening I was tired, but I was also able to get some laundry and dishes done, so that was good.

Monday John and I went to our regular greasy spoon, probably not the best idea, but the grilled cheese and fries are delish. Then we went to the grocery store, and about half way through our list I started feeling pretty bad. I had to stop a few times as I was getting hit with heat and cold and nausea all at the same time. We got home and I went to bed after putting the food away. For real- just going to the store and to eat (I know, not the best choice for food) is enough to put me down. I got up a few hours later, and felt better, then we went to Origami as I was craving some Nabeyaki Soba. It was heavenly. I want to eat it every day. They make it veggie for me- and it rules. It was also so exciting to leave the house so much in one day. All having to do with food, but at least I was able to go somewhere.

I am worried that days like that will be harder and harder to do. I am already totally stir crazy. I’ve read…9 books in 3 weeks. I am an avid reader, but that seems ridiculous to me. I am a pretty social person, so my regular sequester is hard on me at times. This is already starting to take a toll.

I do have a list of projects that need doing, so will start on them this week. Hopefully it will be enough to get me through September.

That and my mouth has started to hurt like crazy. I have a dry corner, and my gums are all unhappy, as well as having abrasions from my mouth guard and retainer, that I have to keep wearing unless I want to have braces all over again. Just brushing is starting to be painful. I need to get a baby toothbrush. That might be better. If anyone has tips for this kinda stuff, feel free to comment!

I am looking forward to Sunday, when I will be getting my head hennaed by the beautiful and lovely Henna Kim! http://www.hennakim.com/  She is an amazing artist, and one of the best people I have ever encountered on this planet. I adore her! That way when round 3 comes next Monday, I will have some healing power with me. I will be sure to post some photos of the work she does.

I ordered myself a great new purse.

I got it, not because I like whiskey- I think it is terrible, but because I can hear Matt Berry saying “WHISKAAAY!” every time I look at it and it makes me giggle.  http://youtu.be/GeovTxMwrhY   ehehehehe I love that guy.  If I were not in love with John I would be moving to London to make him fall in love with me just so I could hear him talk all the time. He is a genius. I don’t use that word lightly.

And that is all for me today folks. Do me a flavor and send more laughter into the world for the rest of the week. Share your favorite funny movie/show/song/cartoon/person with everyone you meet and have a big fat belly laugh together. There is nothing better! love-j

Jun 23rd whoa!

Well, I am thankful that the first round was “easy.” Round 2 has proven to be a bit more challenging.

The day of (6/17) wasn’t so bad. Matt Berry’s insanely wonderful new LP came out, and so I was able to enjoy it. I did get more nauseous, and earlier, so had to take some medication for that.

Tuesday’s Neulasta injection came and went.  That evening, Shayne came over to braid what was left of my hair so that I could shave it. I really had not expected it to come out so quickly. They say 14-21 days, so I thought that I’d have a little more time. I should have taken it off a week before. We were able to save a bit of it. Shayne worked really hard to spare both my hair and my feelings. She spent at least 3 hours carefully combing, separating, and braiding the hair left on my head while I worked.  She was amazing as sweet as always, and I could not have asked for a better way to make the transition.

After work, I asked John to help me cut and save the braids, and shave the rest of my hair off. At this point, I honestly looked like a Juggalo, and was almost happy to see it go. As we cut the hair and waxed each end, it really started to hit me. “I have a potentially deadly illness, am undergoing a slow poisoning to try to be rid of it, and am very, very ill.” All this from cutting hair off. A vanity. But it is a strong visual- you see yourself for the first time looking physically vulnerable.  I hate being afraid, and seeing the fear reflected in my eyes made a huge impact on me.

Once we finished cutting the braids, John took the clippers to my head. My scalp was pretty sore by then, and it was not fun. I did end up with a fun pattern on my head (a la Pinhead from Hellraiser) and am lucky my head is not completely funky in shape. I’ve had a buzzcut before, when I was much thinner and younger. The blow to my self esteem has been pretty big. I have gained so much weight the last 10 years, and obviously am not getting any younger. So now, I am not only fat, but I am getting old, have cancer, and am effing bald.  Wheee!  Really sexy!

This summer was supposed to be my “work out, get healthy” start. We had set up the gym area in the study, I was working on my diet, and had finally started making progress on my damaged psoas. All that got blown right out the window and I am totally having a pity party for myself.

John was as wonderful as ever, telling me that my head is beautiful while gently shearing my head, and trying to make me laugh. We finished up, I showered and cried, then went to bed.

Wednesday found me feeling quite terrible. Swollen from the steroids, a bit nauseated, starving, and a little neuropathy had started. Thursday and Friday were even worse. I couldn’t stand for long, but could not sit very long either. My hands, feet, legs and mouth were tingling and numb, and in general, I felt like I was possessing the Stay-Puffed marshmallow man’s body. Nothing was working correctly, and though I did not have a fever, my body felt like I had a very high one. I spent most of the time crying, and trying to work or sleep. Sleep is elusive, and my new gp apparently does not think I need my RXs refilled. So, I am in a constant state of panic, and with the steroids and chronic insomnia (that I’ve had since I was a teen,) there has been hardly any actual sleep happening. Just a ton of me laying in bed, trying to stay positive and get maybe a few winks between having to get up to pee every 30 minutes since I have to drink so much water now. I chose a new gp a few months ago, more for convenience than anything.  I loved my old gp, but she is all the way in the middle of Austin, and not associated with any hospital.  Never underestimate the value of a doctor that listens to your concerns, discusses the issue and various options with you, and is compassionate in their care. It is more important than saving time and gas in the short run.

Yesterday was a little better, most of the neuropathy finally stopped, and the swelling was not quite as bad. I will say this week has injected some fear into my life. I am afraid of what the next 6 rounds of chemo will bring me, and what will happen after that.  I know I’ve started on this path, and need to finish it, but I am questioning my decision to not just go full throttle towards surgery and go through this torture. I am sure had I done so, I would be questioning that decision as well. I just want to live for as long as I can, as well as I can like everyone else. This whole situation makes you question everything you do every day.

Not that any of this is revolutionary for anyone else. Billions of creatures before me have had the same thoughts in their minds throughout the history of the universe, and billions after will also. But that train of thought must stop, because making myself feel even more miniscule is not the way to go! I must find the place in this world where I feel I can do the most good in order to strive to survive.      I sure miss being a teenager and not caring.

Today will hopefully be better, and maybe I can get some housework done. Also expecting a visit from some wonderful friends, Erin and Jay. This time I will remember to give her the xmas gift that I’ve forgotten several times.  O.0

xoxox- dreaming of tacos and beer~ j

Jun 18th Gratitude, and I need a favor :)

I just want to express my unending gratitude for the support and love, and all of the very lovely gifts that have been showered upon me. I have an amazing family that extends past my bloodlines that is so full of wonderful that I am actually sitting here with joyful tears running down my face just typing this. I don’t think that I will ever be able to thank all of you enough for the love that you have shown me. It is truly overwhelming.

I am also thankful that through the favor of an acquaintance that turned into a friend, I have job with a company that not only pays me a living wage, but provides me with excellent benefits (including meeting the love of my life on my first day there, though I did not know it yet.) I don’t know what I would be doing right now if I was not working here, and didn’t have my health coverage. To say that I would be up shit creek would be an understatement. I know that at some point, they may start to deny coverage of my treatments, or I might lose this job for some reason, and I will be asking you directly for monetary assistance if I need to. Today is not the day I am going to ask you for that.

To backtrack a bit:

When this all first started, Hospice Austin, an organization that I volunteer for called me for a massage for a patient. I had just had the first biopsy done the day before, and told them I could not, and told them what was happening. After my diagnosis, I let them know that I would have to take a break from my volunteering. It totally broke my heart to tell them that. A big part of my life for the past 10 years has been the chance that every once and a while, I would be able to give to someone that needed comfort in a direct and immediate way. I love to be able to do that, and now I can’t. I also can’t go to any of the animal shelters to walk the dogs or anything else that I have done in the past. I realized cancer was taking away the only avenues of service I have been walking the last several years. I felt even more adrift than ever. What good am I to anyone at this point?? What purpose can I possibly serve in this world if I can’t help anyone and need all this help myself? The facebook posts I put up throughout the day that most of my friends ignore isn’t going to cut it. I was already starting to feel like a moocharooniepieface.

Then last Tuesday, some wonderful and long-standing friends of mine began talking about a beloved friend of theirs and her situation, and how they were trying to help (while they were at my house helping me, mind you. I tell you- I am a lucky girl.) All of that started me thinking about how I can still feel good about myself by helping others when I can hardly leave the house for fear of infection. And so a delightfully selfish idea came into my head: blog about it and see how much help you can be to her, and others like her. I need a purpose in order to get up in the morning out of my bed (you know, besides the man, family, friends, and pets that I love more than anything.)

So here is my first completely selfish plea:

I am going to ask you to donate to someone that is also in a life-threatening situation, but without all the benefits. I don’t know her well, and can really only call her an acquaintance, but no matter what has happened over the past 15 years since she moved to the area, she has always been polite to me when we have run into one another at social events.  (I cannot say the same thing for several  “I’m cooler than you” folks that pretended to be my friends over the years.) She always at least smiled or said “hello” before continuing whatever conversation she was having before I came by.

More importantly, she is very dear to many people that are very dear to me. She has been supportive of them in their time of need, and no one I know has a bad word to say about her. She’s gorgeous, charming, talented, nice, and loves dogs (I know, we all want to hate her, but we can’t- she’s too nice.) She has organized and performed at fundraising events for my loved ones. She created, and spectacularly performed an amazing burlesque as DARTH mother effing VADER for Shayne and Louisa’s birthday. That alone should have you reaching into your wallet this very effing minute, even if you did not get to see it.

But what really should have you thinking about giving to this fair woman, is that despite the fact that she works her arse off (for multiple jobs before she couldn’t anymore) she has no health insurance and has a medical condition that needs IMMEDIATE attention. When I say immediate, I mean that as I understand it, she needs treatment yesterday. But they won’t even think about scheduling it until she has a large down payment for the procedure that could save her life. It is true I really don’t know the whole story of her medical journey, but I have heard this theme repeated in my friends lives too many times recently. It is all the same story. Not all of them have ended the way we wanted.

I won’t go into any philosophical,  political, or moral diatribes right now, but we all know that this is wrong.

So anyone that has been thinking about who might need your help lately, or thinking about sending cash my way, I found someone that deserves it and needs it.    NOW.

Her friends have organized a benefit show for her with an auction full of really cool shit and a ton of amazing acts. If you can go to it, that would be awesome- please take photos and post them so i can see you having fun. If you cannot go to it, here is the site for the benefit and auction which has direct donation info as well (it is still being worked on and set up, so please look at it often if you are thinking about the auction and going to the benefit.)  Please be sure to use the “send to family/friend as a gift option so she does not have to pay PP a ton of fees.

http://erennie.wix.com/tynkerhelp

Also, there are these badass items   http://tabitha.bigcartel.com/

Please give, and give as much as you can as often as you can. I will be gifting monthly as long as I am able.

She shouldn’t have to ask anyone for this kind of help. No one should. And no one should be refused life-saving treatment, ever. Medicine should be about healing, not about money-grubbing.

So please, I am begging you, help this delightful lady out. Whatever you can spare.  She deserves the chance to fight.

Yours in complete selfishness,

j

Jun 17th Round 2! Fight!

This is the cute quilt my sister and her family made for me.

Today I decided to wear this awesome tee I got from Brettany’s mom. I love it so much. SPACE! She even used some of the planets she cut from around the neck and sewed them to the back. it rules.

Also, my good friend Sue (Darla) sent me a pack of amazing tabi socks, and these are one of the pair:

I love these!

I got mixed news today. The BRACA tests all came pack negative. YAY! But that does make the future more complicated. Had it been positive, I would have walked straight into double mastectomy and then ovarian removal.

The tumor that is palpable is shrinking already. YAY!

The second tumor is cancer. It is the same cancer, but with zero hormone receptors.

This is where the more waiting and more thinking comes in. My onc. is meeting today with all the other onc.s to discuss my case today. Basically, they are not sure if they are connected, or separate entities, and depending on where things are at the end of chemo will affect was surgical route they recommend.

Part of me just wants to say “You know, I’ve used these babies for weapons for years, now they decided to self-destruct on me. Get them off!” but I know that kind of surgery is big. BIG. And reconstruction is also a lot to go through I were to choose to do so.

But a lumpectomy and radiation after presents its’ own set of issues.  The chances of it coming back or appearing in the other breast or elsewhere are much higher. You can end up with a weirdly formed breast. Radiation is crazy.

When I go back in 2 weeks we will talk about all that again, and she will give me the opinions of everyone for me to think it all over.

Chemo went okay today. Chatted with a woman from Lubbock that was there with her daughter. She was really sweet and old fashioned. I love that she didn’t look at me weird for being tattooed with rainbow hair, she just sat next to me and we started talking about all kinds of things. It was nice, but makes me lament the fact these days, more people don’t have the same kind of manners she does. I mean, even if you don’t like someone’s look, why do you feel the need to say, look. or do anything to let them know? Its’ your problem, so you shouldn’t try to make it theirs.  Anyhow, it was a long morning, and finding someone nice next to you is always a plus 🙂

The port access went much smoother today. I hardly felt it! That was nice. Elaine sent me home yesterday with these super healthy and yummy homemade muffins that really made my breakfast awesome. I didn’t even care that much that I left my coffee on the counter. They  always have juice and snacks there if you need it.

I got home and was feeling pretty good. Made some lunch and messed about on the computer for a few hours before calling my mom with the news. Then I just got super tired- bam!  So napping happened. 🙂 I got up a few hours later, found a free issue of Thrasher in the mail (score!) Our friend Derek was here visiting John, so while they were talking shop, I read through that and then the nausea hit. A little earlier than last time, but I took a pill they gave me for it and came in the bedroom to relax and write this out, and hope that I don’t puke. So far, so good!

Tomorrow, Shayne will be coming over to help me. Instead of cleaning, she will be partially braiding my hair so that I can cut it after I get off work, and wax the bases to save it for  an art project we will be collaborating on. It is falling out too fast to ignore now, and I need to just do it so I don’t wake up with clumps on my pillow.

It has been 13 years and 80 pounds since I have been bald. I thought about shaving my head after I got all back into shape this year. It feels so great in the summer. I just didn’t expect to be doing this with all this weight. (Anyone else always hear Monty Python when they say “I didn’t expect” something?) It has taken me so long to grow my hair out. I hate being taught lessons about vices sometimes.

Luckily, I have wonderful friends that have been giving me some amazing scarves to wear, and Brettany’s mom had a few wigs that I might try on in case I feel like wearing one. I have found so many fun cosplay wigs and fun hats on Amazon- it is crazy! and I also bought myself a furry Tototro  hat in case my head gets really cold.

Alright, signing off for the day. I am going to start reading the book I bought on fun scarf tying so I can look glamorous after tomorrow.

love y’all.

Jun 17th week 2 overview

The universe likes making fun of me. I got this in the mail this week:

Verrrry funny guys!

Week 2 was so much better than week one. The RX I got for my heartburn really helped, and my fatigue lifted almost completely by Friday. Again, fingers crossed that this is how it goes the rest of the time.

On Tuesday, Brandi and Shayne came over (Muriah was not well) and we had a nice hang-out session while I was on my lunch break and then they proceeded to clean my kitchen from top to bottom. It was weird, but wonderful. I can’t express how appreciative I am of that kind of help, even if it is difficult for me to accept.

Wed, Thurs, and Fri were just regular work days for me. I did some laundry, bathed Minmea and Norbert, and organized a few things.

Saturday night Brettany came over and stayed, and we were up till almost 3 yammering away about everything. A great way to celebrate her one year anniversary of being home. 🙂 I made chocolate chip cookies from scratch, as I have been craving them for weeks. I could not find the recipe I usually use, and busted out my mom’s old Betty Crocker cookbook from 1962 for one. It isn’t my favorite, but I am enjoying them very much. Alyson and Lauren dropped by to say hi and brought me some juice and almonds- yum! Also, my hair started to really start falling out.

Sunday I got up and mowed my yard after swaddling myself in sleeves and hats and masks and gloves, and putting a ton of sunscreen on. I was in more danger of heat stroke than anything, but I really needed to do SOMETHING out there. It was starting to look like an abandoned home back there. I know I can’t dig in the dirt, and have to be super careful to make sure I am not breathing any dirt in, but I have to be able to do something out there every now and again or I will lose my mind.

After that I headed over to the Boozer homestead for a Father’s Day lunch. I can’t be with my parents, but the Boozer’s always make me feel so welcome. Elaine and Don remind me a lot of my Mom and Dad, and Rocky and Brettany are like the extra siblings I never had. All around a super-awesome family. We had an amazing lunch! Vegetable risotto, roasted garlic,grilled corn on the cob,  asparagus, baked potatoes, whole grain bread, (they had steaks and salmon, along with shrimp diablo,) and Bret made  tiny lemon and pecan tarts for dessert. There were so many yummy noises happening it made me giggle. After dinner we had great conversation and some good laughs. It was really comforting for me.

I went home, and did more laundry, and waited for my sister and her family to come up. They had a surprise for me, and took time out of their day to drive all the way up to deliver it! They made a big, soft quilt for me, with embroidery on it that was so sweet it made me burst into tears from joy and appreciation! We don’t see each other often enough, and I love them all so much. They stayed for about 2 hours just shootin’ the breeze. They have a ton of fun things planned for their summer, and my nephew is about to start drivers ed. Oh Loaarday! I can’t even believe he is old enough to do that yet. nothing makes you feel old like seeing the babies you love turn into young adults seemingly overnight. I don’t feel that old (at least in my head.)

I finished up the night with dishes, downloaded the new magnificent Matt Berry LP “Kill the Wolf”  and pan fried the paneer that John made with some saffron rice, and noshed on that before getting ready for bed. Changed the sheets, showered, and tried my hardest to relax and go to sleep. Unfortunately, my GP had not refilled my Lunesta or my panic medicine yet. Sleep never really came. I read till about 3, then was up 5 times to go the bathroom. Insomnia stinks under regular circumstances. I’ve had it since I can remember, and have tried pretty much every trick in the book to make it stop. Lunesta works, but I have REAAAALLLLY weird dreams with it. I have taken it off and on for at least 7 years. There will be weeks of months that I don’t need it. But when I need it, I need it. Right now, I need it. I never took panic meds regularly, but they are really the only things keeping me from screaming 24/7 right now, and I took my last one Saturday. Normally, I am not a big fan of pharmaceuticals, but right now, I am really going to lean on all of them that I can. I just have need to save my energy to focus on killing the cancer, and once that is done I can go back to using mostly natural remedies for my ailments.

Ok, as promised, some photos of my port (sorry- they are not the best. I just have a little point and shoot):

This is kind of an idea of the profile it has.

Really, the surgeon did a beautiful job. I hope that when it comes out it is as nice.

end of week 2!

Jun 10th 7 days down. I’m gonna get personal.

Hi all!

Just wanted to let you know that overall, I am doing okay.

I am very, very tired. And still have crazy heartburn. I did call my oncologist and she called in a RX for a reflux med that I can pick up tomorrow. YAY!  I don’t know how people live with that all the time. They are truly amazing.

Emotionally, things are still really hard for me. I keep waking up thinking “maybe that didn’t really happen” and then the realization that it is all too real and I am in treatment for breast cancer hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve never had any serious illnesses before, so this is just surreal.

Trying to stay positive really isn’t easy. I need to find some coping skills, and am trying to find a support group that my schedule works with. My schedule is great as it makes appointments a little easier so I don’t have to miss as much work, but working till 1030 every night doesn’t make socializing or anything else convenient.

Day 7 is the day my white blood cell counts are supposed to start falling. It is difficult to determine if I am getting sick, just having bad allergies, or if it is just general “meh”  from the chemo. Same with all the abdominal discomfort. Is my spleen swollen, or is that just gas? o.0   Unless you spend 90% of your time in a scanner, I’m not sure you can really tell.

If only we could get some real Star Trek tech working! Transporters and replicators would completely rid the planet of so many illnesses. Just beam all that flipping cancer right outta ya! Need a new kidney? Let me order one up and get that in there!   If wishes were fishes, I’d have a lot of fucking fish right now.

I went Friday to have my port looked at- got the thumbs up from the surgeon. He really did a nice job, and did not cause too much damage to my tattoo. Hopefully when it comes out it will be as nice. While I was there I asked about my MRI biopsy results, and Super Nurse Jennifer said they had the results, but the Dr. had not gone over it yet. She asked if I wanted to wait for him as he just walked in, and I said sure. So after a while, he came by and basically just told me that he had to go over it with pathology before he could tell me anything. So I left with no news, and am probably going to just hear about it next Monday with my next oncology/chemo appointment. The genetic testing is also not in yet. Those jerks take their sweet time and I hate that they have such a racket on it. Medicine should never be about money.

Norbert keeps going to the bathroom in the house. He knows how to use the dog door, we tell him to go out, he goes out. He uses it all day long on his own. Then I’ll turn around and he’s pooped somewhere or I get up in the morning and there is both 1&2 in the study, right next to his bed. We thought that the dog door would fix this, but apparently he has not yet correlated the door with going outside when he needs to do his bidnezz. If anyone has any tips on that, please let me know. I don’t like being mad at him, but I am not allowed to pick up his messes any more. John is cool about picking it up, but we have to figure out how to get him to stop.

Just a mo’- Russel Brand is on Letterman. mmmmmmmmmmmmm so delicious.

Yesterday John was working on his woodshop, and I did a little housework. It was nice to get something done. We went and had food at 620 Cafe. Not sure if that was the best idea, but that grilled cheese and the fried zucchini was yummy. Having to lay down after emptying the dishwasher is a little humbling.

Today we went to have Greek food at Zorba’s. I ate my soup and a little hummus, and brought home the rest. We also went to the store to get a few needed items.  Doing all that at once was not easy, and while at the store I got really hot and weird for a moment. The way your body is not the same anymore in such a short time is bizarre.

I know that it will never be the same body I had a month ago, and that my identification with it will not be the same. My plans for starting workouts and getting back in shape are not on hold, but very different. Since I did not really work out before, figuring out how to get active now is not easy. And I know once I get all the other test info back, it will probably change my plans again.

I’ll be honest- living with uncertainty has never been something I am good at. Not knowing exactly what time someone wants to meet for lunch gives me anxiety. I envy people that are able to just live and go and do without over thinking every detail. Which brings us full circle to – I need to learn some coping skills and find a support group that can help me with all this.

Tomorrow will be spent working and doing that and trying to get some animals bathed, then a visit from Brandi and Muriah! Roundies activate!

Good night everyone. <3

Jun 4th neu-what?

Last night was a bit rough, I was nauseated for a few hours and freezing, but did not actually throw up. That was good.  It was not fun, but waaaaay better than I ever expected.  Apparently I got a little clammy looking and woke up to find John taking my pulse. I did not know that was what he was doing- I thought he was trying to hold my hand 🙂

Today I got my Neulasta injection. It is supposed to help with keeping my white blood cells up. That is awesome. Not awesome is that it can cause “Spleen Rupture. Your spleen may become enlarged and can rupture while taking Neulasta^® (pegfilgrastim). A ruptured spleen can cause death. The spleen is located in the upper left section of your stomach area. Call your doctor right away if you have pain in the left upper stomach area or left shoulder tip area. This pain could mean your spleen is enlarged or ruptured.”

Kinda need that to not happen 🙂

It also causes flu-like symptoms. Just a bit achy and have the most horrid indigestion. Like- burning in my throat/chest with a laser beam kind of indigestion. I have an iron stomach. I never really have stomach issues, and very, very rarely get any indigestion unless someone sneaks in cucumbers in some food. John was sweet enough to take a trip to the store to get some tums. It helped a lot. I hope this is not a regular issue.

I know that things will probably get worse. I know that my days will be good, and not so good. And terrible. I am super thankful that these last 2 days have been pretty decent.

I am getting chemo-brain already though. Forgetting words that I know, and my dexterity is not as good as it was a couple of days ago. Typing is a bit weird. Considering I do that all day for work, it was a little frustrating. I am going to have to really concentrate on what I am doing now.

Hoping my good feeling last through my weekend, as I would like to get a few things done and I might get to see my sister and her family on Sunday, as well as Brettany.

Well, Craig is almost over, and I am getting super sleepy, so sweet dreams everyone!

Jun 3rd First Chemo.

6/3/13

Well, my appointment with my oncologist was supposed to be at 9am, but the new computer system they starts using this morning caused major backups at the check-in desk. Not a big deal since everyone was running behind. Apparently it is hospital wide, and every department is dealing with a system that was not ready to use. happens everywhere and every time, right?

When I finally got in and talked with her, the good news is my heart is badass, and can handle the chemo I am getting. The mass we can feel hasn’t grown int he last 2 weeks- also good. Still waiting on my BRACA and the results from the MRI biopsy. 

My chemo appt. was at 1030, but they just had me start since everything was so backed up. 

My port is still sore from the insertion. The first stick did not work. The second stick did not work. 3rd time was the charm, but there were more tears than I care to admit. That hurt like a bitch!

They did a saline bag, to flush it all, then I waited, and waited, and waited. That darn new computer system backed up all of the meds mixing (since they do it on the spot for each patient, each time.)  An hour and a half later, they started my anti nausea meds, the steroids, and then finally the actual chemo. So far so good. I am still hungry, even though John went and got a muffin for me. 

The treatment itself was not terrible. I do feel a bit tired, and very metallic. Like the Tin Man that needs oiled or a robot in service too long. My bones are just like “Hey! wtf man?” and there is a slight metallic taste in my mouth. My joints are a little stiff too. I also have to drink a minimum of 2 quarts of water every day for the next 16 weeks. I usually get close to that and drink a ton of coffee, but it is one of those things- as soon as you are told you have to do something- it seems huge! Silly how the mind works. 

Since I was still hungry, we went to Casa Garcia and I got migas. Maybe not the smartest choice considering, but I was feeling brave 🙂  then we grabbed my prescriptions and I came home and took a short nap. 

Shayne came to visit around six and we gossiped and such for about 3 hours. That as a lot of fun, and was just so nice. We don’t see each other often enough, and I really enjoyed it. 

now, It is about 1020, and I am feeling the nausea a bit more even after taking a pill. It may be all the water on top of everything else. I know I have one more liter to finish before I try to sleep, so I am going o head to bed to read a bit and relax. Hopefully Norbert will have gotten the hint/hang of the dog door and I won’t find any surprises. Really tired of his surprises. 

love you all