The Adventures of the other Pancho and LeftyCancer is a jerk. This is my story about living with it.

Mar 1st floating away

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the Earth and those around me, that I might just float right off the planet. I felt that way several times, long before cancer became something I had to live with personally. I have always been a melancholy baby, and my mom would just say I was an old soul. I think my brooding startled her.

The fact is, that since my diagnosis and treatment, either by change or choice, I have not been able to see people the way I’d like to, and I simply don’t enjoy life the same way I did. You would think that I would be embracing it with fervor! I feel like I should be, but the honest truth is, I am still so tired, and feel just crappy a lot of the time. I have zero self esteem as well. So that just makes me stay at home a lot. And in my bed. I am sure part of it is that my body is still tired from the chemo and surgery, and the drugs I take leave me fatigued, but part of it is mental. I think I was doing better while in chemo. It was still a new existence and I didn’t feel so- different. I did not expect to be so affected by my surgery.

My therapist is helping a lot with my issues. And the forums on breastcancer.org are great, a ton of support there. My friends and family, when I see or hear from them, are fantastic. But there is just a part of my reality that is broken right now. A huge shift in my ability to really connect with people on a very basic level, even if they really know what I have been through. I don’t like feeling this way at all.

Even in my darkest moments pre-cancer, I still had a lust for life. Now it is more of a “i’ll text you later, maybe.” I feel like my fire has been extinguished.

I hope you know that I don’t put these kinds of things here to make anyone pity me, or to just complain. I am trying to document my experience, in hopes that i can help others and myself. Or at least that I might be able to look back and see where I came from.

Moving through this world ‘in treatment’, sometimes people don’t see what you are going through, and sometimes that is all they see. It is hard to walk that line- you want people to understand, you want to share your experience, but you don’t want that to be all you discuss or all they see in you. You want their love and support, but not their pity, or for them to shun you. You don’t want to discourage questions, either, even if you have answered them a hundred times, because, what if it might help that person? And for me, at this point, this is what comes out of me most of the time “blah blah blah cancer blah.”  It is still a ‘now’ thing, and will be for a bit I guess.

I have to thank the universe for one small thing. I had someone I care about very much that had a breast cancer scare and she got the news today that it was not cancer. I have been worried all week for her. Going from feeling overwhelming guilt, like somehow it was my fault if she did have cancer, to the regular pity party of ‘why did it happen to me?’ But thank the stars- her biopsy came back clear and she can put it behind her. I don’t want anyone I know to have to go through any cancer. The fact that I am not an all powerful being that can take things like cancer away is really annoying. (working on my control issues in therapy….)

I know I will eventually resettle into life, and I hope I can get the spark back into my soul. Right now I can see it flicking and bouncing down a dark tunnel, like a child running with a sparkler. I just have to catch her before it goes out.

xoxox

Feb 20th has it only been a few days?

It feels like a year since I’ve posted!

It has been a rough and interesting time for sure.

I had an amazing time hanging out with my BFF Erica on the 8th. We had brunch, went shopping, (there is a halloumi shortage!!!) and watched the 21 Jump Street movie since I had not seen it yet. Pretty funny. Then went to this great little brew/pub called Busted Sandal. MMMMMM it was good stuff! Her husband works with the fellas that started it. If you get a chance to try their product, you should. Then we made dinner and had some laughs. It was a great visit.

On t he way home I met Dina at Antonelli’s Cheese shop here in Austin. ohhhhmahgawd.  Amazing selection and service. They were super attentive to my dietary needs, and even went so far as to call the local bakery where they get their baguettes from to see if they use any kind of soy (no.) Above and beyond service. Please give them your business.

The rest of the week was full of me trying to get John to move out of his office so we could start the scrape and paint process, and figuring out how to make his Valentine’s day gift. I bought him a few records, some Gary Neuman picture discs, and wanted to make these cool pillows for the futon in his office:  http://ournerdhome.com/diy-geek-pillows/#more-1162    Their blog has some really fun stuff!  Anyhow- they turned out okay for a first go. I did them on green velvet, with gold and glow in the dark fabric paint. Tip: do NOT use freezer paper in a non-inkjet printer. You will wind up with it wrapped around things and sealed on. Took me 2 hours to undo that mess. Also, velvets are not the best for this. The fabric sticks too much to the paper, and painting it evenly is not easy. Go for a good smooth fabric. He said he really liked them, and I think they will look great in his room once it is all done.

He got me……  a mint pressing of the Beastie Boys Pollywog Stew (German release) from 1982. I tell you, I really thought I was gonna out gift him this time, but damn if he didn’t beat me again.

I made my Nanny’s sugar cookies in the shape of the TARDIS to take with me to a going away dinner for a friend of Brettany’s who is a big ol geek like me. I really thought she was fun and sweet, and am sad that I only got to meet her on her way out of the state. I drove up to B’s and helped her a little with packing and such, then we went over for dinner. I had a great time. Met some wonderful folks, and got some knitting donations. The following day we went back over to Monica’s house (who hosted the previous dinner) and I learned how to start knitting! I am very excited about this I have wanted to do this for YEARS, but never knew anyone that really did it that lived close. All the girls have been uber sweet. I got gifts of yarn, needles, accessories, bags, and some knowledge I def. did not have before. Monica had purchased all the yarn I need to make a proper Tom Baker scarf once I have the technique down. Squeeeee! So happy!  And with any luck, it will help improve my dexterity with the neuopathy and pain from the tamoxifen. it also makes me have to really pay attention to something, which gets my mind off cancer for a while. OH! and Monica very sweetly made me some knitted foobs and a matching hat! they are adjustable as well, so I can make them a little bigger or smaller depending on what i am wearing. I have to say, they are more comfortable than I expected, and look pretty real!  It will take me a while to get the hang of them, but I think for certain occasions, it will be good to have them so people don’t stare so much.

My 1st knitting!

this is my knitting assistant, Ein

FOOBS!

I still have not gotten serious about my diet and exercise. I am getting better, but the house projects are draining me. Just cleaning the tub wore me out last night. I just have to get focused. Also looking into getting a FitBit or similar product. I think it ill help me really pay attention to what I am doing.  I have heard good things about it.

Lately I have been having more and more pain in my surgical area. Like some of those nerves are waking up. No fun. I also keep getting more and more of these pin point blood spots under my skin. But unless my blood work comes back with low counts or something unusual, I was told it was no big deal. I hope that is true. And the night sweats/hot flashes are still at full power. I was hoping the effexor would help, but so far it isn’t. This summer will be So fun.

I also was supposed to start PT for what may be the start of truncle lymphadema last Friday. They scheduled the appt weeks ago without even calling me. Then last Thursday they called to confirm, I got directions, then they call me back and say- oh sorry, we can’t see you here for LE, you will have to make an appt at the Georgetown office. I was so pissed. WTF did they schedule it in the first place? And if I was having a real LE issue, I would have been hosed bc their 1st available appt was not till March 5th. Not a happy camper. Oh well, at least it is scheduled now.  I need help making sure I don’t get it, and directions on working out without causing an issue. I am scared of that for sure.

On to better things: heading back to England in November for the marriage of 2 of the most wonderful people I have ever met! Steven and Jason are the sweetest guys, and I am so happy that I will get to be part of their big day. Which will of course be held in a mofoin castle!  WOW!  Def. lots of working out needs to happen, and planning and saving and all that. Brettany and I will only get to go for a week this time, but that is okay. I plan on taking the big trip in 2016. I love England so much- and love those guys a ton!

Ok- i better try to get some sleep.

Good night my lovies! Don’t forget: you are beautiful and I love you!

Feb 8th Already?

This year is speeding by.

John and I had a great visit with my parents last weekend. They were kind enough to let me have a couple of paintings they purchased from traveling artists that were in Spain when we lived there. I love them, but wish they would have kept them for their enjoyment. I know my dad is trying to clear things out, less to clean and care for. I just want to be sure they are both enjoying their home still. And as usual, I wish they lived closer. I miss seeing them, and they live quite far away. Between work and stupidcancer, it has gotten even harder to schedule time to visit. My goal is to get down there at least 4 times a year, even if it is just for a night. I am trying to convince them to move into the neighborhood. Pretty sure it will never happen, but it would be nice.

I have not been working out like I should. Part of it is that I started experiencing a little truncal lymphedema. I found some helpful videos to flush most of it out, and of course by the time I got into my oncologist, it had pretty much disappeared. (just like that noise your car makes until you take it in to the shop.)  I also keep getting more of those little red spots. She referred me to physical therapy, and dermatology.  The dermatologist is pretty sure  the tiny blood spots are directly related to the chemo and the tamoxifen, but not to any lymphomas or other cancers that those treatments can cause. I really hope he is right. I have been scared outta my bloody mind. Now I am just slightly less so. I am looking forward to PT. I need guidance on how to work through things without doing any damage. I am not confident enough to lift any weights without possibly causing LE or any other mess.

My side effects from the tam have not gotten any better. I keep waiting, but, I have a feeling that they are not going anywhere. As long as I don’t get bc again or have mets, I will happily continue to sweat all night. I do wish the pain in my joints would piss off though. And my neuropathy could really go away any time it feels like it too. Though, that is getting better.  I hope to start sewing again next week maybe.

We will be starting on Johns office this weekend. Moving everything out and taping it all up in prep for scraping the ceiling and painting. We will be doing the hall as well. Messy! But it will be great to get that done. After that, we will move to the utility room (making it a juicy 70’s orange!) Then the hall and the study. All the while trying to figure out how to build the scaffolding we need to work on the living room and foyer, which will also be used outside when we get ready to redo the siding. If there is time, then I will work on the master bathroom- if I can at least get all the ugly wallpaper down, I’ll be happy.  I wish I could have seem this place when it was first built. I bet the decor was better.

We’ve been talking about bringing the wall out from the bathroom, as we want to change the windows in the master bedroom to be french doors and move them over. That however, will require serious masonry work. I still can’t figure out why on earth they built this room this way. It is really weird. I am hoping we can add a little window like we have in the hall bath, and maybe add the same kind of windows on the wall where our bed will be. The plan is to make a little patio out front and putting up an iron fence all the way around for privacy. We shall see. I keep forgetting to buy lotto tickets. I will be doing that tomorrow. If we could just win enough to pay someone to do all the grunt work/buy all the supplies, I wold be super happy. I’d like to get all of it done in 10 years, including the upstairs office John wants to build. I know I will never see him once that gets built, but, hey! at least I will have a real guest room then, right?  Maybe I should make him make a space for my work computer as well. 🙂

I just would like to get my current office organized! I will be scheduling 2 days in March to take everything out and getting it all straightened out. Feb. and March are super busy times for me for sure! Gotta get the yard cleaned out too. OMG I am overwhelming myself right at this second just thinking about it all!!!!! SO much to do!

Our bread maker is working out well. Having fresh bread is great, and there really isn’t much work involved. I am slowly learning how to make things myself that I used to buy in the store. It is kind of a pain in the ass, but the fact that I can’t have soy has forced many changes in my life. I even found a recipe for thin mints! Have not tried it yet, but if they are good I will post it.

I will say that cancer and my treatment have brought some good things with all the bad. My thumb is finally healed and I have not messed with it since. My hair is coming in curly. I am thinking more carefully about food and beverages. I am re-evaluating what I want out of my life and how to achieve those things. I am making my happiness a priority. I want to do more for others. That last one comes not only from a desire to help, but also so that I am not forgotten once I am gone. I don’t have kids. I never will. But if I can touch the lives of many, maybe someone will remember me when I am gone. I won’t be just a comma in the book of life. I at least want to be an exclamation point, or even a whole word.

All right! it is past my bedtime, and I need to get up early tomorrow to go visit my BFF! YAY!

Everyone be safe out there.

love you.

Jan 30th let it bleed

One of the best albums in history.  This is a great article about one of the best songs on one of the best albums in the history of all the universe

http://www.openculture.com/2013/06/mick_jagger_tells_the_story_behind_gimme_shelter.html

Very moving.

When she said “Life is short as it is and I can’t live on yesterday” it hit me pretty hard. I cried for about an hour- playing that song over and over. (thanks Tom!!)

While therapy and my therapist are helping me tremendously, I know it will take time for me to move forward. To not feel these things I am feeling right now. To find my way back to a “normal” life. You wouldn’t know it to look at my house, but I am a perfectionist. A perfectionist that is also a self-defeatist. Growing up, there were no grey areas. It was much like Yoda said,  “Do or do not, there is no try.” I am an all or nothing kind of person, and also one that has little patience with myself or tasks. In some ways that has helped me, in some ways it holds me back. I see this long road before me, and it is daunting. I can’t fix it right now, and that leads me to feel doomed to fail. I am a sprinter, not a marathon runner. I expect results immediately, especially from myself. Not being able to be who I was 9 months ago, or who I think I should be right now is exasperating. I am sad, and I am so very angry about it.

Not just a little mad. I want to punch and throw things. I am feeling like the Lady Eowyn, shield maiden of Rohan, left behind to tend to the infirm when all I want to do is raise a sword and fight.  I want to hurt this thing that has hurt me. This invisible monster that my body produced.  And I can’t even hit a pillow now as it may cause lymphedema (LE).  How fucking unfair is that?!  Who knows if I will ever be able to hit a heavy bag again? My dream is to have a vase throwing room. If any of you remember Moonlighting, there is an episode where they did Taming of the Shrew. She had  shelf full of throwing vases. When I saw that as a child I was in awe. Everyone should have a room for that.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV9hg-TGO0E&list=PLAB80F73218969286

I actually had to schedule a sort of emergency appointment with my oncologist, as I think I may be getting what they call truncal LE.  My armpit felt like I had a tennis ball in it. It didn’t look that way, but that is how it felt.  So far my arms and hands seem okay (thank goodness) but the underarm thing is really scary. I’ll see her, then she will refer me to a physical therapist that works with LE.  Good times.

If I ever have the okay from all my doctors and physical therapists, I will be taking up both archery and fencing.

My therapist said I should try to focus on the little steps forward that I might take. Like the fact that my teeth and gums were pretty much undamaged by chemo. That my salivary glands were not damaged.  I have a tendency to think about cancer, about cancer cells, to see them in my mind. I am to practice replacing those images with images of healthy cells, a healthy me.  Things happen very fast once you are diagnosed, you don’t have time to think about it. Until you do, then you brood on it.  It is not easy to retrain your brain, and as cancer patients usually have PTSD, the trauma has burned things in your mind. Changing how you think on a moment to moment basis is hard work. And results take time. I have to learn to give myself time. Time to heal, time to think, time to love myself. I would say again, but I have never really loved myself. That will be another 6 months of therapy…..

So I will let my heart bleed. For myself (for a change.) And I will work hard to be strong and healthy. I will be patient with myself, and hope that you are patient with me. Because even though I look better, I am still very ill, and injured, and have a very long road ahead with many obstacles that I will have to overcome.  When you ask me how I am and I start to cry, or tell you that things are hard, know that I am being honest, and not looking for pity, but understanding and support on my journey.

Was that rambling or what?

mucho love!

Jan 23rd I’m sleeved out!

Compression sleeves, that is.

Today I went to get my rx for them filled. They only had beige, and they did not have the gauntlets in the size I needed, so I will need to wait for those. They also hadn’t heard back from my insurance yet, so I had to pay for them out of pocket. Hopefully it is covered and I will be getting a check back from them for the cost. They were NOT cheap. And considering that with luck and hard work on my part I will be losing weight, I will be needing to replace them every 3-4 months instead of the average 8. That is sucky. Also, thinking that I have to get them every 8 months or so for the rest of my life, with or without insurance, the $$ they make off of these things is ridiculous. They are basically heavy pantyhose. It can’t cost that much t manufacture these things. Anyhow- the next set I get are going to at least be a pretty color. I have even seen some that are patterned.  We’ll see what they can offer when I go get my gauntlets. They will defenately take time to get used to wearing. having your hands and arms squeezed all day is weird. And you have to wash them every day. I am not really sure I will wear them unless I am exercising or working in the yard or on the house. Typing really doesn’t pose much of a lymphadema risk, and there are ongoing debates about whether wearing them without symptoms or while not straining your arms might actually cause you to get LE.  You would think that after so many decades of “modern” medicine, they would have this figured out.

This also may interfere with me actually getting sleeved out. I am very, very unhappy about this. My plan was to be covered head to toe by the time I turn 70. I suppose I need to wait to get my recon and think about what I want for my “boobs” first. There are a lot of great mastectomy tattoos out there. For my sleeves I wanted to do all my favorite spacecrafts, then have that blend into my shoulders- windbars for clouds, then wash down into my existing, yet unfinished back piece. My chest has my Day of the Dead skulls and folk sacred heart, and I wanted to put marigolds behind that,   but cannot decide what should go on my reformed breasts when they arrive, or down the rest of my torso to the belt that will be needed to cover the very large scar that will be left from my surgery. AND I have to start putting cash away for all this and the pain meds I will need to be on to get all this done!  My buttocks and legs, pretty sure I may want to go with traditional Japanese images.  If it wouldn’t make me feel like a super a-hole I would set up a fundraiser acct for it all. I just need to work harder and do overtime and find a way to make cash on the side. But there are just too many people that have real money needs,  like the following:

Carlin has been fighting hard. If you can skip your latte today to send it her way- that would rule https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/3Zk32 

Florence has severe auto-immune issues and her RX is insane. Skip tomorrow’s latte and send that cash to her http://www.gofundme.com/6aaqsw

That is about 1200 calories in 2 days that will go towards slimming you down and keeping all of you alive longer! woohoo!

Speaking of slimming down, I am still slacking on the treadmill. This tamoxifen fatigue is just beating me into the ground. I am standing more at my desk every day, and trying to make sure that on my lunch break that I am doing housework for at least 45 minutes, but the mornings, and after work- I just am in bed. Hoping that the low dose/every 4 days effexor kicks in soon to help with that, the night sweats and hot flashes, as well as the crying. So much crying. My eyeballs are tired. I have got to get on there and just walk- 30 minutes a day is all I need, but getting there is strangely difficult. Fingers crossed that the fatigue and joint pain dissipate quickly. I have a lot of events this year, and really want to regain my strength and some self confidence. I have zero of either right now.

This has been a busy month, and next month will be even busier. I am happy about that though as most of it is socializing. Going to visit my BFF, Brettany, the P-units, going to start to learn how to knit! Redo John’s office, organize all my crafting things, sew my curtains (this will be my first attempt at sewing after developing the neuropathy, which is better, but still very much there.) I will be wearing thimbles on every finger.

I also need to remember to buy lotto tickets when I go to the store. That is about as much gambling as I will ever do, but you just never know. You can’t win if you don’t play, and if I could just get enough to pay off bills, maybe the house- that is really all I need. That way I could go part time or something. Dreaming big here!

My hair is coming in nicely- it is  curly! I really hope it stays that way. I am not going to cut it for a year. I don’t want to cut any of the curl away! Right now it is still too short to style in any way. I look like a bad 80’s version of a middle schooler with a Jewfro. I can’t wait till it is a few inches longer and I can really make it big and round! people that are lucky enough to have naturally curly or kinky hair never love it- but I have always wanted a ginormous afro. I can count it as the  One good thing out of getting cancer- if it sticks around. Seriously, I would LOVE to have hair like Chaka Kahn or Diana Ross. HUGE!

Well, it is 3am-I should  TRY to get some sleep. .

love you all! stay warm and off the roads if they ice over!

Jan 18th unremarkable!

My uterus is unremarkable? What? How dare you!

That is apparently what you want to hear when you have it checked though. Due to the tamoxifen treatment, it is advised to get a baseline ultrasound so that if you start having any unusual issues, there is something to look back at. Fingers crossed that it stays unremarkable.

My saw my GP and Onc. on Monday. Both appointments went well. My onc did not seem too concerned with these little red dots I have all over me though. They look like tiny little blood spots or chiggers, but they don’t itch, and are not raised at all.  I have a follow up in 2 months with blood work to see if something is going on. Also having my cholesterol checked again, as the tamoxifen can raise it. Seriously- this shit better keep me from having any recurrence or it spreading.

I am sitting here watching Craig, and Chris Pine is on. He’s very witty. I had no idea his dad was http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0683986/    I hope they get back to basics with the next Star Trek movie. I was very disappointed with the rehashing of scenes in Into Darkness. This is supposed to be a different timeline/universe so I think it was so lazy of them to do that. I think it hindered the story, and eclipsed the talent they had at hand. I still loooooove the 2009 movie though. I could watch it a million times. If you know me, you know I’m a big Trekkie.

Speaking of the talent, I am so excited that the new Sherlock is this Sunday! Right after a new Downton Abby! It will be a great 2 hours of television! I love both shows and to get to have them on the same nights for the next few weeks will be fantastic!!

I am also really enjoying Almost Human and Sleepy Hallow on Monday nights.  TV sure is full of really hot men right now.  I mean- Benedict Cumberbatch,  Karl Urban, Allen Leech, Michael Ealy, Tom Mison … the Sun/Mon prime time line up is mighty prime. *le sigh*

I need to get on my treadmill more consistently. At least every other day for an hour. And though I am getting a little better with my diet, I still have a long way to go. Old habits are hard to break. It is weird: I never had an issue quitting cigarettes, never did any drugs that I couldn’t walk away from, don’t have an issue not drinking very often, and would quit completely if my doctor said to, but sugar, sugar is a beast. A big, evil, delicious beast that is constantly on my mind. I wish I could afford to go to some remote sugar detox camp somewhere for a month or 2 (if such a thing even exists. If it does, it should be somewhere beautiful and spa-ish though.)  The PCOS doesn’t help at all, and it is a catch-22. It makes me crave more than the average person, I eat it, which makes the PCOS worse, etc. It is a terrible cycle that I will break. I have to get myself fit, and as healthy as possible. I feel fat, weak, ugly, unfeminine, and tired. I want to feel fit, strong, beautiful, and girly again. It has been a long time since I have, and having a concave chest and really short hair and a double chin is not helping my confidence at all. Staying on track and positive is my goal. I have given myself a year to get to the size I want to be. That means I need to lose about a 10 year old child. Fo realz.  So- more veggies, less sugar, and more exercise. That is just how it is if I want to get to where I want to be.

Anyone have any favorite exercises or veggie dishes they want to share? Please do!

John and I will be starting work on the house again in February. We will be working on his office. That should be quick hopefully. If we work on it every day we are home, I think we can do it in 2 weeks. That is moving everything out, taping it off, scraping the ceiling, patching anything that needs it, and then painting. I wish we could just take a couple of months off and do the whole house. Stupid cancer threw us off our schedule. I was hoping that by now everything would be painted and the tile in the living room and hall would be in. I’ve tried to make it a little more homey in here, but I still feel like I am living in a college dorm. It is aggravating. Anyhow- we’ve got to get as much done as possible before my next surgery. I will be down for up to 16 weeks with that. The first half of that is pretty rough as far as I have heard.

I am super excited to get out into the yard, but am scared of the lymphedema possibility. I have to be very careful now. I am so clumsy and have always had the ‘just get it done’ kind of attitude when working on something, and always end up injuring myself. Now I have to wear my compression sleeves and gloves, work gloves, long sleeved heavy shirts, plenty of mosquito repellant, and be very mindful of every move I make. I love my roses and working on them will be a real dance. I’ve also always been a sweller anyway. I am not sure I will be able to tell if I am getting lymphedema! This will be a very interesting way to live, for sure. Tomorrow I am going to spend part of the day doing some cleaning up out there. Not much, as we still have some freezes ahead (Ihope) but enough to get started so we can set up a better composting system area. I want to put it right next to the spot that jerky behind us neighbors put their smoker, but that also puts it right where we have our umbrella and will have some nice furniture. Sure wish that guy would move.

Shortly after that I will be tackling the front island again. Those nandina roots won’t just disappear, unfortunately, and I want to put something pretty in before summer. I anyone feels like coming over to do some digging, just let me know 🙂

The past few days have been so nice outside. I wish the cedar were not so bad. Normally I would open the windows up, but even I have cedar fever this year. It is the highest it has ever been. So crazy! You walk outside and are instantly coated in pollen. Hopefully it will die down soon, and we will have a few more hard freezes to kill of the bugs, and then it will be open window weather!

Well,, enough rambling from me.  Hope you are all well, and that I get to see you more often this year.

love you!

Jan 10th I just want a flipping donut!

Soy. For years it was my friend. Now it is in EVERYTHING and I cannot have ANYTHING. motherfuck it is annoying!

I can handle the hot flashes, the severe night sweats (both of these happen 10-20 times in 24 hours,) the possibility of losing my hair, the mood swings, the severe joint and bone pain, the extraordinary fatigue, but what I cannot handle is the fact that I can’t just go get a doughnut wherever, whenever.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend every day at the local donut store. I get donuts once a month, maybe. They are my favorite thing. The absolute worst as far as sweets go: fried, sugar coated dough. But they are the best tasting things in the world. And making them at home is unbelievably difficult and messy.

So – if you know of any soy free donuts within 30 miles of me, please let me know.

This soy thing is really throwing me for a loop. I was just starting to get serious about transitioning to being vegan when this started. And with the tamoxifen, it isn’t just soy, it is all high phytoestrogens. Flax seed is totally out, most nuts, some fruits, even broccoli has to be moderated. Anything that says “natural flavors” or “spices” is even suspect. And there does not seem to be anyone local that can help me navigate this that my insurance also covers. Lame.

I am doing what I can though. Label reading is my  new hobby. I am trying to just shop in the organic produce section (it is really small) and am slowly eliminating all my favorite foods. Luckily Central Market has a line of chocolate that is soy-free (for the mo at least.) I also found Enjoy Life chocolate chips for when I need them. Amazon has a few good deals.

Oh – that reminds me. I also really, really love cinnamon. I had NO IDEA that there were different kinds, and that some isn’t really cinnamon at all. If you have ever seen me make cinnamon toast or anything, you know that I like it brown, and not from the heat. Enter “cinnamon-gate”!   This article explains things  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/09/danish-cinnamon-rolls-spicy-european-union_n_4570982.html   I have to be very careful with my liver, so I just removed all of the so-called cin from my cupboards and ordered a pound of what is supposed to be true organic  Ceylon cin. I also just got done watching an interesting program on PBS about Sri Lanka and how they produce it and a bit of history. It was very insightful, and I hope the people that made the cin i just purchased made better money off of my sale than is the norm.  Those people work very hard and are true craftsmen/women.  I will use the other for pest control and fungus control in the gardens.

Speaking of which- I cannot wait for “spring”!! So ready to get out there and dig in the dirt and get messy! I miss it so much! But for now I am using my time to sleep and try to get the inside in decent shape so that from March till it gets too hot I can be outside enjoying my yard. I am almost done taking all the holiday decor down, and will start back on getting my kitchen in order once that is complete. i am also still scanning photos, and will be starting on John’s office renovations in February. Just scraping and painting I think, unless he decides to do something else. After it gets hot, we will then work on the study and the other areas we can reach without building scaffolding yet. And hopefully I will have a bed frame by the end of the year.

So much to do and so little energy at the moment. I am really hoping this fatigue fades away. I swear I could sleep 20 hours out of the day (mind- that would be interrupted by my lovely hot flashes and sweats at least once an hour.) It is hard to rest when your body wakes you up like that. I feel like I am breaking a fever all the time. That is the best way to describe it. It is so weird.

I heard from a very dear old friend this past week. I had not heard from him since July, and figured he was busy as his father was also fighting the big c. That was the case, and I am sorry to say that he did not win. I am glad he got in contact with me, as he is very dear to me. And I am so very sorry for his loss.  Cancer is an ugly part of our life. No matter what direction you are looking at it from. I am really angry that is causes so many people so much pain and worry. I am angry that it causes my loved ones to be worried and sad, and that it causes some of them to be so overwhelmed that they cannot handle being around me because they have been touched negatively by it at some point. That they look at me, and I see fear or anguish in their eyes. I don’t want to be the cause of that – ever. I see enough of that in the mirror, and only want to bring joy to those I love.

ACH! I didn’t want this to be a post about those things, but they are there. They will always be there now. I just have to control how I deal with it all, right?

I need to get up, and get busy, and live my life the best way that I know how. We get one shot (that we know of) and I don’t want to make any more regrettable mistakes. I want to do good for the world, and for myself.

So- keep on keepin’ on my loves.

xoxoxo

ps- i just have to add: i really, really miss my boobs.

Jan 1st Plum Villiage NY Prayer.

http://plumvillage.org/news/new-years-prayer-2014/

Dec 31st Good Bye 2013! Don’t let the door hitcha!

So, like everyone else on this planet, I am ruminating on the last 365 days. I cannot say that this has been my favorite year.

Too many people, including myself, had major health issues. Life threatening ones.

Too many good people (note that I include all animals, not just humans in this) died. Some I knew, most I did not have the privilege to meet. Some I hadn’t seen in a few decades. All have gone sooner than they should from our point of view, no matter how long they lived.

The divide between the haves and the have-nots has become almost a gorge. And for some reason the have-nots keep voting the super-haves into office and allowing them to make corporations people.

The cases of animal, child, spousal, and elderly abuse in the world has grown to unbelievable proportions.

Big Ag-Pharm has more power over us than you can even imagine, and they will get more.

The level of ignorance and misinformation has grown by leaps and bounds, and we are falling further and further away from any chance we may have to save ourselves.

And No One Cares.

At least it doesn’t feel like it.

But a lot of good things happened this year.

Many friends and family got engaged, married, or hatched offspring. They found joy in their new situations and shared it with us.

New friends were made by many.

The movement to grow your own food and harvest and distribute heirloom seeds is growing at an amazing rate.

More people are using renewable energies and more recycled products. They are reusing more and realizing that our throw-away lifestyle is not sustainable in any way.

Many of us learned new crafts or creative skills to help us pass the time and stimulate our minds.

Some of us had good responses to treatments, or have been healed thanks to hard working doctors, and science.

We all hopefully learned something and gained a better understanding of ourselves and others.

I am working on my “resolutions” for the year. Because I need to do these things, and need to commit to them for myself and for others, I am going to share my top 10 with you here if you don’t mind.

1- I am going to spend more time with the people I love. (Again, not just the humans.)

2- I am going to lose the weight I need to lose, and gain the strength I need to gain in order to have my reconstruction surgery and to reduce my risk of recurrance.

3- I am going to volunteer more, and add at least one organization to my list. (If you want to join me in helping others, please let me know.)

4- I am going to garden more.

5- I am going to travel more.

6- I am going to take better care of myself mentally and emotionally.

7- I am going to more patient and compassionate.

8- I am going to make most of my meals at home, and try new things.

9- I am going to organize my office.

10- I am going to get my hammock set up.

I hope that 2014 is better for all of you, and the world at large. I hope that we can all work together to save this little planet. This beautiful blue dot in a vast universe. I hope that you are all healthy and happy, and help others to be so every way you can. I hope you can open your heart and your home to someone in need. I hope we all have clean water, safe, food, and clean air.

I hope that our Home is filled with love for all.

http://vimeo.com/22582065

I love you. Happy New Year.

Dec 24th yippee-ki-yay motherfu

Shit. how is it already Xmas???

This year has lasted forever and flashed by like lightning. I am, as usual, unprepared. I will say this for working retail: I hated it, but I had all my gifts bought and wrapped before October. I have about half of my list done this year. Ya, ya- I had a little bit of an excuse, but I just feel like a lazy oaf.

I think that might be the thing that I hate most about cancer. I have things to do. I want to do them. I have the tools/items to get it done. And I have just been so freaking exhausted all the time. First it was chemo, then steroid withdraw, then surgery, now tamoxifen. The only time I had any energy through all of this is when I was on all the roids. I wish there was something that gave you that kind of energy, but would not kill you. Maybe some gene splicing with chihuahua?  😉

I have, of course, been weeping all week. It does not help that the net is full of sweet stories of amazing people, dying children, and abused animals. It does not help that I can’t be with my family. It does not help that I can’t offer my help to everyone that needs it. It does not help that the 11th Doctor is leaving. (I haven’t even caught up to Matt yet except for a few chosen episodes and I am crying about it.)

John helps. All of you-  my chosen family that are near to me, help. I wish transporters would hurry up and get invented already. I wanna be able to beam over and give hugs and love to those I love in a flash. Star Trek has ruined me!!

Speaking of ST… I have been building my collection of ST and Star Wars tree ornaments. I went a little crazy this year. Didn’t get them all, but did get a Captain Archer- which had on the posting ” Captain Archer on his space toilet?”  How could I not give them my money?  I loved Enterprise a LOT, but his chair really looked like a commode.

As usual, I have to work Xmas eve and day. Because, you know, we are so busy. (Can you hear the sarcasm?) For every year I have been there, we are slow as shit for those 2 days. It is the following 2 weeks that the shit hits the fan. And what did they alter our schedules for? New years. Like- who would rather have that off than Xmas? Certainly not me! I will be celebrating, but I get off at 1030- more than enough time to go out. Instead I get to work till 1030 on Xmas eve, then some idiotic 330 (or 5pm, they still haven’t told us really) to midnight or 2am shift Xmas day, and  have to get up 5 hours early to work  NYE- so I will be too fucking tired to celebrate the end of this year anyhow. Thanks a whole lot whatever moron decided that was a good idea. I hope they get punched in the face on NYE. Twice. And lose a tooth. It would also be best if I got to do it.

I am looking forward to wearing my “Die Hard” sweatshirt tomorrow. if you haven’t watched it in a while- go do that right now! It is one of the best holiday movies ever made in all of history.

Tomorrow I will be having that, and some other holiday movies on while I work. It is good to have fun background media while you chat with ppl across the globe that don’t give a rats about anything.

After work I am heading to the BOOZERS!!! Yay! I may not get to see my blood family, but they are my surrogate family and are some of the best folks I have ever met in my entire life and I am SO lucky to have them! They’ve really welcomed me into their lives- no questions asked, just love. It is awesome. I really want them and my family to all meet. I need to plan a dinner at my place or something this spring.

Speaking of- so excited that the boys from the UK are coming to visit (hopefully) in May! WOOOOT! Everyone cross your fingers that it all works out. I love these fellas so much. They are as sweet as can be and also just welcomed me into their lives without a second thought. They were also super great sports about watching weird movies and dressing up for Halloween as Team Zissou without much of a fuss 🙂 I love you Jason and Steven! Can’t wait to have you here! I hope the heat stays at bay till they go back home. Otherwise- they may not come back!  And lordy how I want to go back to the UK and Europe. I really feel more at home there. The weather is so much better!

Anyhow, as I may not get back to this till sometime in January due to all the overtime i should be working, i want to wish you a Merry Xmas, (or whatever holiday you enjoy, or don’t) and a very Happy and Healthy New Year. I love you all very much and hope that things are good all the way around in 2014, and that we all get to spend more time with those we love.

Take care, drive safe, and have a designated. If you don’t for some reason and find yourself within 30 miles of me- contact me and I will come drive you home. If you are farther away, still contact me and I will help you figure out a way home that does not involve you driving.

xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox